December 2, 2005
Kelly Brook plays with her coconuts in Fiji
Sometimes I wish I was a more clever person so that I could see pictures of a woman playing with coconuts and come up with something more witty than 'Kelly Brook has big boobies!!!' But I'm just a simple man with a simple mind, and when I see the woman who played 'Beautiful Woman in Painting' in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo in a bikini grabbing coconuts, my mind goes straight to the twelve hours of lesbian porn I had watched the night before. And by 'lesbian porn' I mean some other thing that's not degrading to woman and makes me look like a pervert. Like a presidential debate or something. National Geographic?
Continue Reading "Kelly Brook plays with her coconuts in Fiji"
Ashlee Simpson is suggestive
I don't have a dirty mind like you sick perverts out there, so I don't really get what's so funny about this picture. So she's pretending to eat an ice cream cone or acting like a panting dog or something. Why is that funny? I don't get it.
Nicole Richie wants it all
The next time I get into a religious debate, the following story will be exhibit A in my case that there is, in fact, no God. Nicole Richie has signed a deal with 20th Century Fox Television whereby Fox will either develop a new show around Richie or cast her in an existing project. She is already meeting with writers and has indicated interest in playing a character loosely based on herself.
"Things are funnier when you base them on your real life, when you make fun of yourself," Richie told Variety. "But it's definitely a sitcom [as opposed to reality]."
I have nothing against Richie really. She's kinda cute, in the same way that E.T. is cute. But if you're considered Paris Hilton's less talented friend, the next headline that carries your name should also carry the word 'Suicide'. Watching Nicole Richie try to act would be roughly equivalent to watching my grandmother have sex with a gorilla. Covered in peanut oil. In my bed. With me in it.
Thanks to the fetching Sarah for the tip.
Nicole Richie's Sitcom Life [Yahoo Entertainment]
Jessica Simpson has a big sad clown face
It's understandable that Jessica Simpson might be upset over this whole divorce thing with Nick Lachey, but making the weird fat-lipped sad face whenever she goes out in public is kind of pushing it. This is something a child (or maybe a weird monkey) would do. At any rate, the most interesting thing to come out of this whole Nick and Jessica thing is the fact that she apparently broke up with him through a mobile phone message. I shit you not.
Danielle Calo is a dirty whore
Danielle Calo, the girl who claims she made out with Nick Lachey at a high school football game in September, has come out and told Extra that she isn't the reason Nick and Jessica broke up.
''There's no way I had that much of an effect on their marriage,'' she said. ``No way!''
When asked if Lachey was a good kisser, on a scale of 1 to 10, she responded, ``I don't know, like a nine -- eight or nine -- it was not that long -- like five minutes.''Calo accepted an invitation to his hotel room, but claims the pair did not have sexual relations. She told Lachey, ''If you think I'm that kind of girl, I'm not,'' adding that the pair, ``hung out and just kissed and that was it.''
I like how she threw in that she didn't sleep with him because she's "not that kind of girl." Sure, she'll make out with a married man and have a complete disregard for his union with another woman, but she's got strong moral fiber, damnit. Quickly after the interview she probably walked into an orphanage and started kicking orphans in the face, all the while saying, "I'd never kick them in the crotch. I've got morals!"
More marital woe for Britney & K-Fed
Another day, another Britney and Kevin hillbilly shouting match. This time their fight occurred after flying from N.Y. to L.A., and it was a big one. Federline left their house and is staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Meanwhile, Spears went out with two girlfriends and the Maloof brothers to club LAX, where they danced and partied till very late at night.
At this point I'm assuming their child is dead. Most likely crushed beneath a mountain of corn dogs. Not that Britney or Kevin would notice. Arguing and drinking seems to take up most of their time. As does Britney's attempts to turn herself into a giant blob of jello.
HONEYMOON OVER [Page Six]
Mariah Carey getting hitched
Mariah Carey's friends are saying that she will walk down the aisle in June 2006 with music executive Mark Sudack - yeah that's right, the Mark Sudack. He was a staffer at Mariah's record label before being hired as her "house photographer". He rapidly rose through the ranks of Mariah's company and was listed as co-executive producer on her album The Emancipation Of Mimi
Her friend said: "Mariah has tried to keep her relationship with Mark under the radar. She guarded the romance fiercely but she's tired of hiding him. She considers Mark her lucky charm — and largely responsible for her best-selling CD in years."
Well hell, if I knew you could become a music executive simply by sleeping with a singer, then maybe I should have let Meatloaf buy me that drink. Oh well, as long as Mariah's happy. But maybe Mr. Sudack should suggest she spend less time walking down the aisle and more time walking down the treadmill. Apparently part of his musical genius was telling her that chocolate-covered mozzarella sticks improve her singing.
Thanks to Madison for the tip.
December 1, 2005
Vince Vaughn gets pulled over
Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston were pulled over by Arizona police earlier this week and Vince was given a sobriety test.
Vaughn wasn't cited for any violation after a preliminary breath test showed the actor's blood-alcohol level was below the legal impairment limit of 0.08, Scottsdale police Sgt. Mark Clark said.
"We determined he had something to drink but was not over the legal (impairment) limit," Clark said. "We suggested that he not continue to drive."
What the officer should have done was given him four shots of Grey Goose and then dared him to drive home. If I know Vince Vaughn (and I don't but I like to pretend that I do), he can never resist a dare. And the only thing funnier than Vince Vaughn taking a sobriety test is Vince Vaughn trying to drunkenly drive home while yelling, "I'm the prettiest girl at the party!"
The Superficial is hiring an editor
The last time we came to you guys for an additional editor things went splendidly, which is why we're doing it again. If you are mind-bogglingly obsessed with celebrity gossip and you've got a scathing wit, then we are so looking for you. Just fill out our application form and if we think you fit with us we'll get in contact with you. There's not a time limit for applications, but we'd like to get an additional editor as soon as possible.
*Edit: For those wondering, this is a paid part-time position. And for those not wondering, just ignore the previous sentence.
Jennifer Garner will no longer be fat
Us Weekly is reporting that Jennifer Garner gave birth to a baby girl after labor was induced late last night, and that she and Ben Affleck plan to name her Violet.
Us Weekly has learned exclusively that Jennifer Garner , 33, has given birth to a baby daughter. Sources confirm to Us that Garner, whose due date was December 8, had her labor induced at an L.A. hospital. The actress is married to Ben Affleck, 33. ''They induced last night,'' a friend of the couple tells Us. ''Ben was with her the entire time.''
Now let's hope the baby turns out okay, considering the ever thoughtful Ben Affleck was kind enough to keep Jennifer Garner in a cloud of tobacco smoke during her pregnancy. I'm no doctor, but I've heard second hand smoke can really screw up a baby. That, and havng Ben Affleck as your father. Get it? Because he's a tool. Zing!
EXCLUSIVE: JENNIFER GARNER GIVES BIRTH! [Us Weekly]
Scott Stapp is still an alcoholic mess
Scott Stapp, the former lead singer for Creed, is back in the news again for his usual routine of being a drunken ass. He showed up to a taping of Spike TV's Casino Cinema on Tuesday completely wasted, and started harrassing hosts Beth Ostrosky and Steve Schirripa.
"From the moment he walked into the studio, he was rude, belligerent and drunk," reports a Lowdown spy. "With Beth, he was nothing but extremely mean, sexist and an all-around jerk."
Another source says that even with his publicist in tow, Stapp cursed "every other word," called a female executive producer a "b-," constantly flipped the bird, and referred to Ostrosky - better known as Howard Stern's longtime girlfriend - as a "bimbo."
And if that weren't enough, there's a post on the 311 forum about an incident with Scott Stapp appearing drunk in a hotel lounge and sucker punching 311's drummer, eventually causing an all out fight and forcing the police to intervene. You can read the entire post after the jump.
Tara Reid got another boob job?
I'm not an expert on Tara Reid's breasts, but some of the folks at the JJB forums are speculating that she got another boob job, considering her enormous rack is looking even more enormouser. The only thing I know for sure is that I had to make up a word like 'enormouser' so you know something's up. Although I always imagined she would have gotten her stomach fixed before she put any more work into her boobs. But that's the reasoning of somebody who isn't constantly drunk and falling over things and getting felt up in public.
Enrique Iglesias defends his, ahem, manhood
A little while ago Enrique Iglesias said the following: "I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it's really embarrassing for people - you know, from experience." Well now, somehow, he's lashing out out at suggestions he has a small penis. He's insisting that his remarks were misunderstood, and that the stories are hurting his relationship with tennis star Anna Kournikova. He says, "It's not true and hurtful to me and my girlfriend."
If Enrique doesn't want people to think he has a small penis, then saying "I could actually have the smallest penis in the world out there" probably isn't so smart. Nor is hawking extra-small condoms. Nor is tucking his tiny penis between his legs and shouting "Look at me! I'm a pretty princess!" Ok, I'm not sure that last part actually happened, but at this point it wouldn't surprise me.
IGLESIAS INSISTS HE IS OF REGULAR SIZE [Contact Music]
Tom and Katie getting married next summer
In an attempt to end speculation and please the galactic overlord Xenu, Tom Cruise and fiancée Katie Holmes are going to get hitched next summer - but want to wait until their baby is born.
Tom told Barbara Walters: "I do not have a film after Mission Impossible and that is a good time to get married."
I would love to see their crazy scientology wedding, full of white suits, sparklers, and throngs of shaved moose, but it's not going to happen. Katie's preganancy is going to end up like something out of Alien, with the baby bursting out of her stomach, crammed with Thetans from ass to eyebrows and hungry for blood. Tom, meanwhile, will be chanting the pledge of allegiance backwards and slapping his butt against the wall in some kind of ritualistic fertility dance. I can't wait.
The kid is not Michael's son
Debbie Rowe, the mother of two of Michael Jackson’s 'children', has claimed the babies were conceived from a test tube.
According to Rowe, both Prince Michael Jr., 8, and Paris, 7, were conceived using semen from a sperm bank. “Michael knows the truth — that he is not the natural father of Prince Michael Jr. and Paris,” Rowe said, “he has to come clean.”
This can come as a surprise to no one. The only way these two were ever gonna have sex was if Michael was drunk and Debbie Rowe was dressed as Macaulay Culkin. Unfortunately for the kids, they're still stuck with Michael, which means they have at least ten more years of wearing pelican masks and socks on their hands. By the time they finally grow up, they'll be some sort of cross between Edward Scissorhands and Pinhead.
Thanks to Erin and Andrea for the tip.
November 30, 2005
Paris Hilton has a shiny watch
Parlux and Tourneau introduced the new Paris Hilton Limited Edition watch at an invitation only showing today and, at the request of Paris Hilton, will auction off the first watch created for Paris to benefit the Memorial Sloan Kettering for Breast Cancer Research.
Ilia Lekach, Chairman and CEO of Parlux, said, "I am very happy to be part of this charitable event, which allows us to introduce one of the finest time pieces ever created. This special white diamond-encrusted watch has been prepared with meticulous care and should serve as a source of considerable enjoyment for the wearer."
It's nice that Paris is thinking of all the breast cancer victims, but the watch they're auctioning off is sort of a mess. Diamonds are nice and all, but sometimes when I look at a watch I actually want to be able to tell what time it is, and not have to close my eyes because the force of a thousand suns is blinding me.
Parlux and Tourneau Showcase the New Paris Hilton Watch [PRNewswire - Thanks Argyle!]
Britney's Baby is Jesus
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, pausing in their efforts to fill their swimming pool with beef jerky, have transformed their son Sean Preston's bedroom into the nativity setting for his first Christmas. The gaudy decorations include six waxwork models and several life-size toy donkeys and cattle. Britney is so excited that she even bought a cherrywood style manger for her baby. A source close to Britney said, "It cost an absolute fortune. But at least she didn't have to buy a baby Jesus - because Sean is playing the part."
Considering that any baby's Christmas list consists entirely of 1) food, 2) warmth, and 3) crapping everywhere, blowing thousands of dollars on worthless Christmas decorations seems kinda dumb. Britney could tape a cardboard box to his head and he'd be just as happy. Hell, Britney could tape a cardboard box to her own head and be just as happy. And if, instead of taping cardboard to her head, she taped herself to the underside of a bus, then I'd be just as happy. And then I'd cross off items 1 through 75 on my Christmas list.
Tom Cruise likes to answer phones
A phone went off during a press conference for Mission: Impossible 3 in Shanghai today, and Tom Cruise apparently took it out of the reporter's hands and started talking to the person on the other line.
When a reporter in the middle of a press conference took a phone call, the star reached over and removed the cell phone from the journalist's hand – and started speaking to the surprised woman on the other line.
"Hello. Xie xie. Ni hao. How are you?" said an amused Cruise, dressed in black, exhausting his limited Chinese vocabulary before going on to ask if the woman – the reporter's wife – was at work and about her marital status, the Associated Press reports.
I don't think it's polite in any country to grab a phone out of somebody's hands and start talking into it like you're the king of the world. It's too bad the reporter wasn't Russell Crowe, because then we'd have a completely different story about how Tom Cruise was killed today when a phone was thrown at his head and he was viciously beaten to death with it.
Tom Cruise on Call in China [People - thanks Treena!]
Jude and Sienna Fighting over Christmas
Jude Law and Sienna Miller have allegedly been arguing. In other news, Jenna Jameson was not a virgin on her wedding night.
It is understood they will spend the festive season apart because Sienna is filming Factory Girl in the US and Jude wants to spend time with his children.
Our spy reveals: "Sienna is angry and disappointed that she might not see Jude over Christmas. She's made her feelings perfectly clear."She doesn't seem to understand that Jude's children have to take priority and it's not all about her and what she wants to do. Jude has other responsibilities, but she seems to be trying to make him feel guilty.""
I'm starting to get excited by these stories, because it's only a matter of time before someone gets murdered. I'm putting my money on Sienna, since she seems to be carrying around a lot of rage, while Jude has the willowy physique of a malnourished twelve-year-old girl.
CHRISTMAS PARTED [The Mirror]
Things Getting Ugly for Nick & Jessica
If you thought that Nick & Jessica stories were over just because they've split up, think again. Apparently the two were so sure they'd be together forever that they didn't sign a prenuptial agreement. And since Jessica made most of the money, with around $35 million just last year, she could end up paying Nick a mountain of cash. Therefore she's hired divorce lawyer Laura Wasser, who handled Angelina Jolie's divorce from Billy Bob Thornton.
I have a feeling that Jessica had a lot less to do with hiring this lawyer than Joe Simpson, the Lex Luthor to Jessica's Otis. Things are going to get very ugly. If Joe enjoys tormenting Nick as much as he enjoys ogling his daughters, then it's only a matter of time before Nick ends up dead in a dumpster with a throng of Malaysian boy prostitutes.
BIG MISTAKE? [PageSix]
November 29, 2005
Kate Moss still enjoys being naked
Kate Moss was spotted at a photoshoot for Stella McCartney in the Caribbean last week, though it's unconfirmed if she will be the star of Stella's upcoming ads. And although we've already seen her snorting coke and dancing topless, it's been awhile since we've seen her lifting a wet see-through dress to show her hairy crotch. Though it's pretty clear that no image of Kate Moss can ever top the sight of her jumping around and hitting her head on a fan while coked out of her mind. Maybe if she took up nude alligator wrestling, but other than that I can't think of anything better. Maybe fist fighting a homeless man to the death? I guess that would be pretty cool too.
Thanks to Stephen for the NSFW image after the jump.
Oprah: Addicted to Meth
It's so easy I won't even dignify it with a response.
Snap! [World of Wonder]
50 Cent totally sells out
I always thought 50 Cent was pretty hardcore until I found out he performed at Long Island defense contractor David H. Brooks' daughter's bat mitzvah.
For his estimated $500,000, I hear that 50 Cent performed only four or five songs - and badly - though he did manage to work in the lyric, "Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."
At one point, I'm told, one of Fitty's beefy bodyguards blocked shots of his boss performing and batted down the kids' cameras, shouting "No pictures! No pictures!" - even preventing Brooks' personal videographers and photographers from capturing 50 Cent's bat-miztvah moment.
It doesn't matter how many times you've been shot and how many gangster rap albums you've sold, because the second you perform at a little girl's bat mitzvah you're automatically a lame little sissy girl. 50 Cent could've strangled a bear with his bare hands, but from now on he'll forever be remembered as that pansy who performed at some rich girl's bat mitzvah.
Not-so-Petty cash to rock bat mitzvah [Lowdown]
Kristin Cavalleri To Host a Crappy Show
From what I understand, this show Laguna Beach is basically about a bunch of spoiled rich kids who are either drinking or having sex with each other, or both. Making it much like my own high school years, but without the bare-knuckle death-fighting championships. In any case, this girl Kristin is now going to be a co-host of UPN's new reality show called Sluts on Unicycles Get This Party Started.
"We're just really happy to have her," said executive producer Allison Grodner. "Certain people, whether in acting or television, have something - a quality - that 'it' factor," Grodner said. "I think it's there in Kristin and we were really pleasantly surprised with her."
Nothing like a story of a small-town girl of modest means who works hard and makes good. Of course we'll never hear that story, because that girl was run over by a limo carrying a drunken Kristin on her way to some billionaire's ball. Life can be cruel sometimes.
'Party' time for 'Laguna' gal [NY Daily News]
Nick Lachey is Coping Well
Nick Lachey, aka The former Mr. Jessica Simpson, is apparently seeking solace from his split with Jessica in the arms of beautiful, big-breasted women. Exactly how this differs from his behavior while he was still married is unknown.
The other night he was spotted with a friend drinking champagne and vodka with a bevy of babes at Mynt nightclub in Miami. According to a source, Lachey got close to a voluptuous young woman who looked "dazed and drunk as she hung all over him. She had big boobs but was clearly not as pretty as Jessica."
Nick seems to be doing the right thing and cashing in on his fame while he can. There's only so long that the line "Yeah that's right baby - 98 Degrees" can work for you. I just hope his next wife is a bit smarter than his last one. And unless he marries a retarded cat, that's not going to be a problem.
Nick Cozies With Club Babes [NY Post]
Michael Jackson Hates Everybody
It's becoming clearer every day that unless you are either a) eight years old, b) named Emmanuel Lewis, or c) some sort of monkey, Michael Jackson will probably hate you. Last week Jackson was revealed as a jew-hater when Good Morning America played voice mails of his anti-Semitic slurs. And now he's apparently anti-Italian as well.
In a recently released voice message from late 2002 or early 2003, Jackson slammed record mogul Tommy Mottola, saying, "I'm very concerned. I don't trust that man. He thinks he's God. He thinks he's Italian Mafia." The lawyer for Jackson's former business partner said "He's [Jackson] a homophobe, anti-Semite, really anti-everybody."
You'd think a guy like Michael Jackson would want all the friends he could get. When you've molested enough children to populate DisneyWorld, I'm not sure that being anything other than anti-BoyTouching is a good idea. But who knows? I'm just waiting for him to say he hates blacks.
Jacko Slimed Italians, Too [NY Post]
November 28, 2005
Courteney Cox might be a Stegosaurus
Remember that episode of Friends when Monica had a protruding spine like she was transitioning into a big-breasted reptilian monster? And then she started blowing fire out of her mouth and terrorizing Tokyo, eventually being forced to fight a giant moth monster in a final battle to the death? Because if you do then you're a moron, because that was totally Godzilla, man. Though I understand how you could've made the mistake, since based on these pictures of Courteney Cox in a bikini, it looks like she's been drinking her dinosaur juice and should beome a full reptile by the end of the end of the year. Seriously, that spine is freaking me out.
Full set after the jump. Thanks to Jesse for the pictures.
Ashlee Simpson is scared of artists
Ashlee Simpson was reportedly scared out of Loft Shoe Productions last Wednesday when Lower East Side artist Peter Missing walked in and started staring at her.
According to witnesses, Missing nastily stared Simpson down until she fled next door, leaving her mother, Tina, to sort out her $600 tab. "We've had to kick him out before," said owner Anne Hanavan. "He's not appealing, and he tries to sell his paintings to our celebrity clients."
I'm not even sure this constitutes a story, but I enjoy the idea of Ashlee Simpson seeing a grizzled toothless man and instinctively running away. I also enjoy the idea of Ashlee Simpson getting shot in the face with a bazooka. That's just the way I roll.
CREEPY EYEBALLS [Page Six]
Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero split
In a move so shocking that not a single person was shocked, Kimberly Stewart and Talan Torriero called off their engagement yesterday.
"It was just too soon to enter into a lifelong commitment," their representatives said in a joint statement. "It is better to have a brief engagement than a short marriage. The couple continue to share their time together and remain open to whatever the future may hold."Torriero's publicist, Jack Ketsoyan, said early Sunday that the two were no longer romantically involved. Stewart's representative, Elliot Mintz, said they "remain friends."
I don't know how close my guess of 57 days was but considering they've only been dating for weeks and not months, I'd say it was pretty damn close. I'd also say that I'm a genius and they're a bunch of publicity-hungry goat-humpers, but that would be rude. And by rude I mean totally and completely true.
