November 24, 2005
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey officially split
So one second after I say there won't be any posts until Monday, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey officially announce that they're separating.
"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways," Simpson and Lachey said in an official statement. "This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."
Leave it to these two clowns to ruin my perfectly lovely Thanksgiving weekend. I had all sorts of plans involving cooked turkeys and buckets of gravy, and now I have to put them on hold because Nick and Jessica got sick of pretending they're still together. If there's any justice in the world, Jessica will confuse Nick for a giant turkey and eat him alive for Thanksgiving. Sure it doesn't make any sense, but reading about Nick Lachey being eaten alive by a hungry and confused Jessica Simpson would make my ruined vacation all worth it.
November 23, 2005
Eat some damn Turkey
Unless something goes horribly wrong during Thanksgiving and uncle Mort starts slapping people in the face with his penis like he did last year, there probably won't be any new posts until Monday. That said, have yourself a merry little Thanksgiving. If you overhear or snap an embarrassing picture of a celebrity, be sure to send it in. I'm always up for a good chuckle after stuffing my face full of turkey.
Kaylee DeFer is bad with dresses
Unless you watch The War at Home (which I know you don't because nobody does) you probaby have no idea who Kaylee DeFer is. Heck, even if you do watch The War at Home, you probably have no idea who Kaylee DeFer is. That said, here's a fun little photo of her posing with her nipple exposed. Some women would have you believe that wearing dresses properly and covering up your breasts is in good taste, but I'm all for the pioneers out there who say "To hell with bras!" and proudly display their boobies. Those women are my heroes.
NSFW image after the jump.
Teri Hatcher maybe doesn't have sex romps in a VW van
Teri Hatcher is suing a British tabloid for libel because it said that she repeatedly has sex with different men in a VW van parked outside her house.
London law firm Schillings said Hatcher, 40, had instructed them to begin libel proceedings against the Daily Sport over articles that she says "falsely alleged that she engages in sex romps on a regular basis with a series of men in a VW van parked outside her L.A. home for this purpose."
This is one of those things that seems so incredibly ridiculous that it must be true. When you make up lies about somebody you usually make it somewhat believable, like they wet their beds or eat live monkeys. But having sex with a bunch of strange men in a van parked outside your house? It's like reporting she kidnaps homeless men and keeps them in a sex dungeon in her basement. Which, on a side note, I hear she totally does.
Charlize Theron's Big Fat Gay Wedding
If you've been waiting to find out when Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are getting married, you'll have to wait a little longer - maybe. The two are planning to wed the day it becomes legal for gays and lesbians to wed in America. Theron told Extra, "We came up with a new idea that we said that we would get married the day that gays and lesbians can get married - when that right is given to them. We've decided that we're gonna use that in a positive way, so the day that law gets passed then we'll get married."
Unless I'm mistaken, isn't marriage regulated by the states? If that's the case, they could end up getting married fifty different times. Which is all well and good, but I don't know what kind of honeymoon they're gonna have when Alabama finally gets around to legalizing gay marriage in 2060 or so. If you ask me, she's just stalling. My hunch is that the real reason they're waiting until gay marriage is legal is that Stuart Townsend is secretly a woman. And I base this on absolutely nothing.
Jude and Sienna Fight, Shock the World
Most humans are conditioned to avoid pain. If you stick your hand in a stamping press once, chances are you won't do it again. Most likely this is because you no longer have a hand, but you get the point. Jude Law and Sienna Miller, on the other hand, would most likely say, 'What, you want me stick my other hand in there? Well ok, it couldn't possibly happen again'. The two went to dinner Monday night in New York's Lower East Side and, according to a witness, "got into a heated argument in front of everyone. It was so bad that Sienna was brought to tears and stormed outside to catch her breath and have a ciggie." And yesterday they got into another fight while having lunch.
A source said that "They were fighting on the corner of Spring and Broadway, [screaming] [bleep] this and [bleep] that and [bleep]hole and bitch . . . Jude got so [bleep]ed off, he told her one last time to [bleep] off and then he stormed off. He left poor Sienna standing on the corner in the rain waiting for him to turn back around, but he did not."
This really shouldn't be complicated. Unless Jude has powdered his schlong with cocaine, I have no idea why Sienna would want to stay with him. And it's already clear that Jude would have no problem finding other women. Maybe even women who aren't working for him. Maybe.
Nobody Likes Jennifer Lopez
Natalie Imbruglia has joined the long chorus of voices criticizing Jennifer Lopez for wearing fur. According to her, Jennifer has a coat made from 80 murdered chinchillas. Imbruglia claims that unlike J-Lo, she would never wear animal skins. She told Cosmopolitan magazine, "It can take up to 100 chinchillas to make one coat and Jennifer Lopez has one made of 80 of them. Besides, wearing fur makes you look like an old woman!"
This isn't really much of a story, but it's just that I've seen these 'J-Lo fur' stories over and over again. I never thought there'd be a day when I felt sorry for Jennifer Lopez, but that day is fast approaching. Unless you're dating the Hef, you really shouldn't have someone telling you what to wear on a daily basis. If Jennifer wants to hit the town with a cap of bald eagle talons and dolphin-skin mocassins then by god let her do it. Top of the food chain, baby.
November 22, 2005
Kate Moss dancing topless
You know what's more entertaining than watching Kate Moss snort cocaine? Watching Kate Moss snort cocaine and then dance topless like a lunatic. And you know what's even better than that? Watching Kate Moss lose her balance after dancing like an idiot and hit her head on a fan. I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this crap, but the best I can come up with is that either somebody paid her a lot of money to make a really bizarre porno movie, or she was coked out of her mind and felt jumping up and down while topless would be good for her public image.
Watch Kate Moss dancing topless (NSFW) [SHOWstudio - thanks Jake!]
Ricky Martin likes to pee on people
He's been accused of being gay and being straight and being all sorts of other things, but I don't ever recall rumors of him peeing on people, which makes it all the more strange that he would bring it up in an interview.
Ricky Martin told fans perhaps a little more about his sex life than some wanted to know. “I love giving the golden shower,” he told Blender. “I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different.”
I'm just going to assume that his limited grasp of the English language caused him to say something he didn't mean to say. Not because I don't believe it, but because the thought of Ricky Martin peeing on people in the shower makes me want to stab myself in the face.
Ricky Martin enjoys golden showers [The Scoop - thanks Rachelle!]
Britney & Kevin Are Great Parents
America's favorite rednecks were at it again over the weekend. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline visited Marquee in New York City Friday night and downed a copious amount of alcohol.
Spears was drinking vanilla rum and orange juice, and according to a source "they seemed very lovey-dovey. They left at 2:30 a.m. while the rest of their crew closed it down." Son Sean Preston was seen in the back of the car when they left.
A few questions arise here: How long was their kid sitting in the back of the car? Does Kevin rap better drunk than sober? Is their son breast-feeding, and if so, was he loaded? And is it really safe for Britney to do the rebel yell while drinking moonshine from a milk-carton and peeing out the limo window? I don't think I want to know the answers.
Britney, Kevin Love N.Y. [NY Post]
Justin Timberlake Is Afraid
Justin Timberlake and his fans have something in common, besides wearing 'Princess' t-shirts and thinking Aaron Carter is hot. They're both scared of spiders. Justin Timberlake has confessed his arachnophobia is so bad he refused to enter his hotel room after spotting a spider lurking inside, and had to call hotel reception to get a member of staff to get rid of the tiny creature for him.
He told Britain's Smash Hits magazine: "I'm really, really scared of spiders. I just hate them. I was staying at a posh hotel and I had to call reception because I spotted one in my room. I was too scared to get rid of it myself."
Unless this spider was at one point feasting on orc-flesh in the caves near Mount Doom, I have a hard time feeling sympathy for Justin. If you have to call a five foot, fifty-year-old mexican grandmother to take care of bugs in your luxury suite, perhaps it's time to re-evalute your life. And by re-evaluate I mean end. And yet, somehow, he's with Cameron Diaz.
Is Courtney Love Pregnant? Is There a God?
Back in August, Courtney Love claimed she was pregnant with Steve Coogan's baby, telling Britain's News of the World newspaper: "I'm pregnant. I only found out 72 hours go. I've only told three people and you're the fourth. I've been really unslutty and really picky, I haven't been with another man for a year, which is how I know the baby is his." Both later denied they were having a child together, but Love was recently spotted sporting a baby bump - reviving rumours she is expecting Coogan's lovechild.
I'm not sure that Courtney Love isn't some sort of zombie. She doesn't look entirely human, kinda like she woke up just before they stuck her in the crypt. If that's the case, I'm less worried about her bearing children than I am about her eating them. Doesn't she have a daughter? Has anyone seen her lately?
November 21, 2005
Paris Hilton likes illegal pets
Apparently the monkey that's been causing trouble for Paris Hilton isn't a monkey at all, but rather a kinkajou that's illegal to own in California.
The hotel heiress returned home from a trip to Las Vegas with her latest animal friend, even though it is illegal to keep the creatures as pets in Los Angeles.
"We'll send them a letter just to let them know we're aware they have a restricted species," a spokesperson for the California Department of Fish and Game told Teen Hollywood.Hilton's representative Elliot Mintz explained, "Paris is a law-abiding citizen. If she receives a letter from the Fish and Game people, I'm sure it will be reviewed and acted upon accordingly."
As long as whatever it is keeps on biting and clawing Paris' face, I say we get a petition going around to let her keep the damn thing. It'll only be a matter of months before we hear about Paris contracting rabies after her crazy kinkajou bites her in the leg. And you can't put a price on Paris Hilton with rabies. You could try, but you'd just end up looking like an idiot.
Thanks to Linda for the tip.
Paris Hilton in trouble over illegal pet [Digital Spy]
Gwen Stefani slips nipple at 2005 MTV Awards
It's a bit after the fact, but Gwen Stefani was shot at the 2005 MTV Awards with her nipple exposed. Although it seems a bit unfair to blame Gwen considering the photographer was perched on a phone pole two miles away with a telescopic lens aimed straight down her dress. It would be like photographing up her skirt from under the bleachers and telling everybody she was walking around with her panties exposed. Or hiding a camera in her toilet and saying she pees in public. Or some other weird analogy that makes a lot more sense than whatever it is I'm saying.
NSFW image after the jump.
Continue Reading "Gwen Stefani slips nipple at 2005 MTV Awards"
Demi Moore spotted at the Ivy
Leave it to the adorably sexy readers of The Superficial to provide wondrous tales of celebrities being every bit as spectacular as we all know they are. After getting spotted by reader Arin at the Ivy, Demi Moore started faking a Spanish accent to throw him off.
The woman fakes an accent to fool fans into thinking it's not her. It was absolutely hysterical. My friend and I frequent the Ivy and we noticed Demi Moore was sitting on the patio, in the corner, with her back to other diners. We were waiting for our table, when all of a sudden, they start clearing the table right next to her and call us over. She was speaking normally right up until she caught me and my friend staring at her a couple of times and began to fake a terrible Spanish accent, yet she continued to talk about movie roles and planning to read a script with Ashton at 7 o'clock the next night. The waiter confirmed it was her, but the accent was meant to throw us off. She was with a random dude driving an old Chrysler. I see celebrities there allll the time, but this time was too weird to not tell you guys about.
Maybe somebody should tap Demi on the shoulder and let her know that every crazy thing she sees on I Love Lucy doesn't actually work. At least she didn't tape a mustache to her face and pretend she was Demi Moore's twin brother.
Not Good News For Nick and Jessica
I think everyone agrees that Nick and Jessica are going to get divorced. At this point it's simply a question of whether Nick will be caught in a room with a dead hooker and a snowdrift of cocaine before it happens. But if Jessica Jaymes gets her way, he might not get the chance. Porn star Jaymes, who performed raunchy sex acts with another woman in front of Nick Lachey and pals at a bachelor party last year, is trying to sell a story about what really happened that night.
Last year, Star magazine reported that Lachey and his friends met up with Jaymes and two female friends at an L.A. club. The crew later went back to a Hollywood Hills home where the women gave a sexual performance, which included "whipped cream and sex toys." At one point, Lachey got on the bed with the girls and seemed "in a trance." Eventually, Jaymes' male pal became so concerned about something that he pulled Jaymes away from the bed — to Lachey's "dismay."
Now I know nothing about Lachey's 'male pal' here, but if one of my friends pulled me off a bed where three strippers/porn stars were performing sex acts on me, the next words out of his mouth better be 'Run! Godzilla!' As it is, Lachey probably escaped with the minimum amount of decency to keep his marriage afloat for another two months. Good job, Nick. Hooray for you. And no, those warts aren't supposed to be there.
More On Nick's Naughty Night [NY Post]
Kelly Osbourne and Paris Hilton BFF?
At one time I had the impression that Kelly Osbourne was kinda smart and self-reliant and not an idiot. Of course at one time I had the impression that the old guy who used to flash us on the way to school was Santa Claus, so maybe I should've seen this coming. Kelly, obviously very confused, recently said the following about her friend Paris.
"She was one of the few people who were willing to drop everything and come to my (birthday) party... We have fun together. Every other celebrity who is supposedly my friend said they wanted to go on the private jet and have their own (hotel) suite. She's a fun person, and there is a sincerity about her."
So it seems that Kelly is saying that Paris Hilton is a good friend and somewhat trustworthy. This is basically the same as saying that Hitler was black. You know how good-looking girls like to keep one ugly girl around to make them look better? Obviously neither does Kelly.
Jessica Simpson Is a Tortured Writer
Jessica Simpson has a tough life. It can't be easy watching your marriage fall apart while your husband cavorts with strippers because he's likes talking to 'smart girls'. Well now she's saying that the only way she prevents herself from "exploding" with stress is to write her feelings down.
She says, "It's a way for me to know myself and my problems. If I don't do this, I'll push everything back until I explode."
Now I don't actually have a copy of her journal in my possession (yet), but it probably goes something like this: "Wednesday - got up, brushed my hair. Got brush stuck in hair, ran around house screaming till Nick pulled it out. He called me an ig-no-ra-mus. I looked that word up in the dictshun dicktion spelling book, and it was m-e-a-n. Mean. And I hate his new cologne. It smells like strippers and used condoms - ick! Ow, my hand hurts from all this writeing. C-U-L8TR!!! (ha ha, that means 'see you later', Mister Journal)."
