November 18, 2005
Russell Crowe finally settles phone incident
Russell Crowe has been sentenced to a conditional discharge after pleading guilty to third-degree assault today.
Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Kathryn Freed sentenced the actor to a conditional discharge, which means he must not get arrested for one year. The judge also instructed Crowe to pay a $160 court surcharge, which defense attorney Gerald Lefcourt said would be paid immediately.
I was sort of hoping Russell would have lost it in court and started throwing chairs and biting people, but I guess he only gets excited when phones are involved. It would have made for a better story if his lawyer's cell phone had gone off and then in a fit of rage Russell Crowe ate it and then took a huge dump on the judge. A huge cell phone-y dump.
Madonna is an unoriginal thief
Madonna has lost a plagiarism case against Belgian songwriter Salvatore Acquaviva who claimed her 1998 song "Frozen" stole parts from his Belgian song "Ma Vie Fout L'camp."
"The judge has ruled Madonna must withdraw from sales all remaining disks, and orders that TV and radio can no longer play 'Frozen,'" Acquaviva's lawyer, Victor-Vincent Dehin, said.
So when she's not faking accents or falling off horses, Madonna is busy ripping off small musicians. It's nice to see the courts have finally decided the case, but they're about seven years too late. I'm pretty sure TV and radio have already stopped playing "Frozen", and it hasn't sold a single copy in years. So basically the courts have ordered her to do nothing. Go justice system!
At least she's still free to masturbate on stage, as evidenced by these photos from her livest performance ever at the Koko club on Tuesday. Did I mention it was live? Because it was so live.
Lindsay Lohan still has her breasts
There have been a lot of complaints about how thin Lindsay Lohan has gotten and how her breasts have disappeared, but judging by these pictures from the Gucci Spring 2006 Fashion Show she's either gotten implants or she's taken up eating again. It's not often you see anorexic cocaine addicts sporting such massive cleavage. My guess is she realized her breasts were critcial to her success in Hollywood and instead of sacrificing her weight she just went ahead and got some fake boobs put in. Plus I have three degree in plastic surgery so I know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm a doctor!
Leonardo DiCaprio and Kirstin Dunst Together?
Leonard DiCaprio is obviously unfamiliar with the term succubus, because he and Kirsten Dunst have sparked romance rumors after they were spotted canoodling in public at the Los Angeles nightspot Privilege earlier this week. A witness is quoted by Britain's Daily Star magazine as saying: "You could feel the chemistry between the two. It looked hard for them to take their eyes off one another."
Leonardo DiCaprio has dated a lot of jaw-droppingly beautiful girls. He has a good eye for the ladies. Therefore I can only assume that one of the following has occured. Either 1) these stories are lies, 2) Leo's high as a kite, 3) Leo's gone gay and naturally thinks Kirsten is hiding something in her pants. Maybe there are other explanations, involving black magic and testicles kept in jars of ether, but I just don't want to know.
Brittany Murphy Has Sex Mitzvah
A lot of people think that 15% is a pretty decent tip. Some say 20%, some 25%. But some people think the only appropriate way to tip your waiter is with sex. Apparently Brittany Murphy is one of these people. She has been dropped by her manager and agents at ICM, and a bunch of rumors have been floating around including a gossip item on E!online which implied that Murphy had had sex with a waiter at an industry bar mitzvah.
A rep for Murphy, who has been helping her mother deal with cancer, said, "Brittany is making a transition in her representation and has parted ways amicably with Brillstein-Grey and ICM. Not the other way around. The blind item on E!online is not Brittany."
Now I'm not Jewish, and have no idea how bar mitzvah's are supposed to work, but if there's any truth to the above story I'm seriously thinking of converting. Most of my Catholic ceremonies growing up were sixty-minutes of prayer followed by three hours in the church basement running from a man who said he had to sacrifice my clothes to the Lord. This whole judaism thing seems much better. If Brittany gets this kinky at a bar mitzvah, god only knows what she'd do at a bris.
NONE TOO BLIND [NY Post ]
Kirstie Alley Looking for Death and Love, In That Order
In a story bound to make all married women a little bit nervous (not to mention their husbands), Kirstie Alley says that she has not had sex for four years and is desperate to bed a widower with kids.
"I want a man who loves his wife desperately and she just died a couple of years ago. So he's had enough time to get over her, but he's got the kids. And he wants a great stepmother" Kirstie also admitted that she became too fat for sex: "I thought I was too fat to have sex. I'm not kidding There's no way I would ever have had sex when I was really fat I would have just die. I turned men down, saying, 'Look I'm too fat Don't bother me now When I'm skinny again maybe we'll talk about it. I once spent three days in bed because I felt that I was so fat, old and ugly and thought I was never going to work again."
There are obviously a lot of terrifying things going on with this woman. Fortunately most people don't have the luxury of laying in bed for three days downing milkshakes and getting buttered into our clothes. And if there's one thing guys love more than an obnoxious fatass, it's an obnoxious fatass who refuses to have sex with them. I can just hear the guy saying to his buddies 'Yeah I just got shot down. Yeah that chick at the bar. Well, she says she's only 300 pounds. Yeah, well, the mumu makes her look fat. Fatter. Says her names Kirstie. Oh, you really think that's Kirstie Alley? Ok, I'll be right back." (drowns self in toilet)
November 17, 2005
Jessica Alba and Rosario Dawson Together At Last
Here are some pics from the Voto Latino Event held earlier this week. It took me just under three hours to type that sentence. They're oh so close to each other, touching, laughing - about three margaritas and one baby-oil backrub away from melting my brain. I can only assume the cameraman was gay, because if I was taking these pictures all they'd show would be a bunch of blurry red flashes and my tongue licking the lens.
Kimberly Stewart is engaged to Talan Torriero
26-year old Kimberly Stewart has confirmed that she's engaged to 19-year old Talan Torriero from that Laguna Beach show. The two clowns announced their engagement at an XBox 360 party where she was sporting a 5-carat diamond engagement ring I assume she bought herself, since my mind can't wrap around a 19-year old tool from a reality show being able to afford something like that. I've actually never seen Laguna Beach but don't you think Kimberly Stewart would have made one or two appearances on the show if her relationship with Talan was so serious? I'm not saying the show isn't as real as reality can be, but it just seems odd is all. Doesn't matter though, since their relationship won't last more than 57 days. Why 57 you ask? Because that's the number of dooooom. Fuck, I'm an idiot.
Brad Pitt And Angelina Jolie's Pre-Nup
There are a lot of rumors floating around about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt getting a pre-nuptial agreement. Supposedly the major subject of the pre-nup is Pitt's visitation rights for Jolie's two adopted children, "who already think of him as their daddy." A source told Star magazine: "Angelina wants Brad to give up any claim on her children in the pre-nup. I think he'd sign anything if it got Angelina to agree to marry him."
I hope these rumors are true, simply because I'm tired of reading them. This has been dragging on forever. Nuns get laid quicker than this. And should it really be that hard for Brad to get Angelina to marry him? I mean, this is a girl who was planning on spending the rest of her life with Billy-Bob Thornton. If you can't do better than a guy named Billy Bob, visitation rights are the least of your worries.
The Superficial News
Orlando Bloom's former management company is suing him for failing to pay $660,000 in commission. I guess when you spend all your money on goatee grooming products it gets pretty hard to pay the bills. [BBC News]
Michael Jackson caused a commotion in the United Arab Emirates when he entered the ladies bathroom at a shopping mall. At least it wasn't the children's bathroom! Get it? Because he molests children. I win! [AP]
The guy who got fired from Desperate Housewives for flashing everybody is claiming that he didn't do it. Which is exactly what you would expect a disgusting pervert flasher to say. [E!Online]
Ralph Edwards, the host of Truth or Consequences and This Is Your Life died at the age of 92 yesterday. [NYPost]
Britney To Spawn Yet Again?
Trailer park crotch-queen Britney Spears is preparing for another child (read: antichrist) after a psychic predicted she'll fall pregnant again next year.
Britney reportedly always seeks the advice of a medium when she makes major plans for her future. A friend told In Touch magazine that Britney couldn't resist asking if she'd have another child, and was told that she'd be pregnant again within six months.
Britney would have a much better idea of when she'd get pregnant if she read any fifth-grade biology textbook rather than rolling around in a giant tub of cheetos. People give K-Fed a hard time because he spends so much time away from her, but christ, if my wife's idea of a good time was sitting around in a pool of grease, watching White Chicks and farting like a horse, I might get the hell out of there too.
Another Baby For Britney? [Contact Music]
Comments are back
There was a ton of hateful email after we pulled the comments from the site, so after a bit of tweaking we've gone and set them up again. And because comment spam makes me want to grab the nearest infant and beat it to death, you'll have to register with TypeKey before you can comment. The process is free and takes about 45 seconds, and it's only in place to prevent comment spam and identity hijacking. If you feel uneasey about registering with a middle-man, you can just yell your comments at the computer and hope somebody will hear them. If you already have an account from the first time you registered, all you need to do is login and you're good to go.
November 16, 2005
Britney Spears goes braless to Malibu animal hospital
If I was pregnant and had giant pregnant-boobs I wouldn't wear a bra either. Or a shirt. Or pants. Or any clothes at all. I'd just walk around naked, occasionally squirting people with milk and screaming, "The miracle of life! The miracle of life!!"
K-Fed Breaks His Hand
Professional dancer and hillbilly man-servant Kevin Federline has apparently broken his hand after falling from a podium in The Spider Club while trying out some moves. A fellow club-goer is quoted by Britain's Daily Star newspaper as saying:
"Britney must have been at home with their baby son and Kevin was messing around dancing with his mates. He was really going for it, throwing some seriously mad moves, when he suddenly slipped and landed on his butt. His arm got caught and he has fractured his left hand"
Please remember this when K-Fed comes out with his album saying how 'street' and 'hard' he is. He broke his hand at a posh hollywood club. After falling on his ass. While dancing. With a bunch of naked men. Ok that last part might not be true, but at this point does it really matter? He'd be much better off at home. At least then he'd be the best looking woman in the place.
The Superficial News
Jennifer Aniston has been named GQ's Man of the Year, despite vehement objections from my crotch. [MSNBC]
Oprah Winfrey says going on a liquid diet in 1988 was a terrible idea. Not a terrible idea? Getting her own talk show and making a gabillion dollars. [AP]
Sharon Stone has settled a lawsuit against a plastic surgeon she says made false claims she had a face-lift. Although I wouldn't really consider eating his soul and spitting on his empty carcass "settling." [Reuters]
Jude Law and Sienna Miller are back together again. And now they're not. And are. And not. And are! This game is fun. [Seattle PI]
Pamela Anderson Attacks Jennifer Lopez, Fur
Pamela Anderson claims fur manufacturers are lavishing pelts on "clueless celebrities" in a bid to promote a comeback.
"They're desperate for a fur 'comeback' so they throw their pelts at any clueless celebrity, like Diddy or J.Lo, who'll wear whatever is free. Seriously, a fur coat just adds 20 years and 20 pounds to you, and if you get rained on you smell like a wet dog."
Unless you consider nudity a viable alternative to fur, I don't know if Pamela Anderson is the best spokesperson for the anti-fur campaigners. Shouldn't she be doing ads for hair-dye, or silicone, or dental dams? You'd think the fur people would get someone like Chewbacca. Or Robin Williams. That guy's hairy as hell.
Anna Nicole is a Great Mom
Anna Nicole Smith hooked up with a barmaid at Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood last week. The barmaid - a pretty blonde named Tracy - was later bragging about the night she spent with Smith, sharing digital photos with customers.
"She wasn't keeping it a secret. Anna Nicole put her in handcuffs and her neck was covered with hickeys." The source added, "Anna Nicole was doing that butt-slapping thing it was just bizarre. And her son was in the house."
Ahh yes, nothing like having the little ones watch mom's lesbian sex with strange bar women. Fifteen years from now I can imagine the psychologist talking to her son, saying "Yes, yes, so Wednesdays were 'wash the vibrator' day. Now tell me about that birthday party when you were eight - yes, the one with the midgets and the drunken gorillas. Oh, the gorillas were high? I'm sorry, please go on..."
Fun Night Out [NYPost]
November 15, 2005
Tara Reid's Mom Ruins Everybody's Fun
Just when you thought Tara Reid would spend her 30th birthday party like some double-jointed gymnast in a low-budget bukkake film, she doesn't. She behaves herself. There's only one explanation for this - her mom was at the party.
She wasnt falling all over the tables like she sometimes does, says one attendee. It might have something to do with the fact that her mom was sitting there eagle-eyeing her all night. At one point, the source says, "she was wild and swinging her hair back and forth and the crowd was really getting into it. She turned around to freakdance with some guy and a hand reached out and pulled her away. It was her mom.
You know, it's gotta be tough being Tara Reid's mom. Years ago she was probably bragging to all her friends about how her little girl was going to be famous, was going to be an oscar-winning actress. At this point I imagine if people ask 'what does your daughter do?', she probably just stares at the ground and mumbles. Or tells them her daughter is a secretary. Or a truck driver. Or a stripper. Or dead. Basically anything other than a drunken whore.
The Superficial News
Brooke Burns broke her neck yesterday after diving into her backyard pool and hitting her head. There aren't any permanent injuries though, so if you were fantasizing about taking advantage of a sexy quadriplegic Brooke Burns, just forget about it. I know I have. [AP]
Russel Crowe identified a criminal in a mugshot and line-up after witnessing a mugging in France last month. Sad, because the Russel Crowe I used to know and love would have just thrown a telephone at his face and knocked him the fuck out. [WENN]
Halle Berry has been named the new face of Versace. Still no word on whether her foot has secured that Manolo Blahnik contract yet, though I'm leaning towards no. [Page Six]
50 Cent is set to launch a new book line despite the fact that he can't read. Or write. Or knows anybody that can. [AP]
Paris Hilton Causing Trouble
When I was twelve years old I asked my dad for a pet dog. He said yes, but first I'd have to complete three tasks. I asked him why all three tasks involved sodomizing the gardener, but he was rather glib about it. Anyway, the point is that I earned that dog, so I was damn well gonna keep track of him. And now here comes Paris Hilton, whose new pet monkey, Baby Luv, caused some problems during a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend, by biting Hilton and clawing her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars on Saturday. Later that night, at Kelly Osbourne's 21st birthday bash, Baby Luv escaped from Hilton's clutches delaying the start of the proceedings by twenty minutes until staffers found him.
They say nothing goes together like monkeys and lingerie. Except for Paris and lingerie. Or Paris and gang-bangs. Or monkeys and gang-bangs. Or Paris getting gang-banged by a bunch of lingerie-wearing monkeys. Odds of that happening in the next five years? I'd say fifty-fifty.
Paris Up To Monkey Business [NYPost]
Tyra Banks Talks About Feud with Naomi Campbell
Tyra Banks reveals some of the details on her 14-year feud with Naomi Campbell on her show this week. Banks blamed the media and the modeling business for making it seem like a Tyra-versus-Naomi battle.
The press had cast Naomi and I as rivals before we ever met each other," she said. "Back then there were 10 top models ... but there was an unwritten rule that only one of them could be black. And Naomi was that one black girl."
I love the idea that the modeling world is like some big-breasted version of the Highlander where silk-skinned beauties spend their days bitch-slapping and jello-wrestling each other in order to become The One. If that's the case than Tyra was wise to quit, because Naomi is constantly beating hell out of anyone she runs into. But what really pisses her off is when you pinch her butt and call her Naome-so-horny. Not a good idea.
Tyra reveals how model feud got ugly [NY Daily News]
November 14, 2005
Celebrities detouched
The fine folks at Worth1000 have run another Photoshop contest to remove the retouching from airbrushed celebs. Though if celebrities looked this good there wouldn't be a reason to Photoshop them in the first place. I know I'm not alone when I say there's nothing sexier than a woman with pimples and yellow teeth. Except for a ninja with an erection. That's pretty sexy too.
Detouching 5 [Worth1000]
Christina Aguilera will have a long wedding
Christina Aguilera is planning a three-day wedding abroad for her marraige ceremony with record executive Jordan Bratman next month. She told reporters in Johannesburg, South Africa, that: "We are going to have a weekend wedding. Each night has a certain theme to it and the whole thing is very magical."
I'm not familiar with multiple-day weddings, but I guess whatever helps Christina cope with the fact that she's marrying an ugly gnome is okay by me. Except for punching babies in the face. That wouldn't be an okay way to cope at all. Or would it?
Madonna might not lip-synch
Madonna has promised to sing live and without any background vocalists at the Koko club tonight to silence accusations that she lip-synchs. A spokeswoman says, "Madonna will be singing live at Koko and performing with a live band. The claim that she lip-synchs was always wrong." Last year Elton John accused her of lip-synching and said, "The official reason I heard was that she can't sing while doing the full crab position. Nobody's paid to come and see you do yoga. They've paid to hear you sing."
Either way, watching Madonna try to do a headstand on stage while kicking her legs and holding a note should be great fun for the whole family. Plus it's Madonna so you know there will be lots of gyrating genitals. And if there's one thing that makes for a good show it's a 90-year old gyrating her genitals. She's 90 right? 90-years old?
The Superficial News
Kathleen Turner pretended to be an alcoholic to hide the fact she had rheumatoid arthritis. Because being a clumsy old drunkard is so much less embarrassing than having arthritis. Well played, Kathleen. [IOL]
Producers of The Apprentice want Mark (Markus) Garrison and Jennifer Wallen to shut up, as their recent complaints about the shows editing is in violation of their nondisclosure agreements. It's also in violation of my right to not be annoyed by whining idiots. [Lowdown]
Burberry has reversed its position and come out publicly in support of Kate Moss. Still no word on their lumberjack position though. [Brand Republic]
WWE star Eddie Guerrero was found dead in his hotel room Sunday morning. The police don't suspect foul play, but an autopsy is planned to determine the cause of death. [AP]
Keira Knightley Nip Slip at Pride and Prejudice Premiere
I have no idea what this Pride and Prejudice movie is about, but judging by these pics I'll just assume it's about a bunch of slutty, sexually-confused english girls running a nineteenth century bordello. You wouldn't think it'd be that hard for Keira to avoid embarrassing pics like this. She's not exactly Pamela Anderson. She's much more wiry, like a hairless cat with knockers. Only without knockers. So basically she's just a hairless cat. A sexy hairless cat. That I have sex with. Okay, this is getting weird.
Continue Reading "Keira Knightley Nip Slip at Pride and Prejudice Premiere"
Jessica Simpson Trashes Ashlee
In yet another spin on the real-life version of dumb and dumber, Jessica Simpson was overhead bitching to her mom about her sister Ashlee at the Accessories Council ACE awards red carpet.
Mom, [sister] Ashlee is so stupid. She left the popcorn in the microwave and almost burned the house down."
Jessica and Ashlee are a living, breathing rejection of Darwinism. Their genes should have been dropped sometime during the stone age. Stick these two in a room unsupervised with a toaster, a loaf of bread, and some butter, and before the day is out Jessica will have somehow hung herself on the electrical cord and Ashlee will be trying frantically to butter her back to life.
Sister-Trasher [NYPost]
Nicole Richie Writes a Book
I'm not exactly an expert on all the signs of the apocalypse - that hairball I found in the shower this morning may or may not have been one, but then again it kept telling me to murder my parents so maybe it was - but anyway, Nicole Richie writing a book has to be one of them. In The Truth About Diamonds, Richie tells the story of Chloe Parker, the princess daughter of rock royalty and member of the Hollywood elite. Here's a sample:
It started innocently enough, or as innocent as you can get on the dance floor of one of the hottest clubs in L.A. The nightclubs of L.A. are like soap operas, except they're not Days of Our Lives; they're more like Passions crazy stuff happens, and no one bats a fake eyelash. There's always some bizarre drama that plays out every night, and everyone in the cast I mean, everyone is great looking, stoned, and/or drunk. It's like a traveling freak show that stars the youngest and hottest in Hollywood. It's about fun, and sex, and pseudo-danger."
Ok, I just read that for like the fourth time, and I think my brain is bleeding. It's not often you see words like 'pseudo-danger' in a book. Is that like Nicole being 'pseudo-literate' or Hilary Swank being a 'pseudo-man'? I don't know. And I don't care. I'm never getting those five minutes of my life back.
