November 11, 2005
Ashlee Simpson Looking for Slobs
If there's one thing I learned while winning my eighth-straight Marine Corps arm-wrestling championship, it's that guys get depressed when they think they have no chance (on an unrelated note, I also learned it wasn't a good idea to get the commander's daughter to play a little game I call 'tickle the monkey'). Anyway, the point is that guys need hope. And today, my friends, Ashlee Simpson provides it with the following quote.
If you fall in love with somebody, you fall in love with somebody, but I would really like to not like a celebrity. I think it would definitely be easier. I'm not looking for an actor, I'm not looking for a musician!"
A word of advice for Ashlee. It might be easier to find a blue-collar Bob if you're not asking him to kiss your feet. If there was any justice in this world she'd fall in love with a fat, cheeto-fingered high-school drop out working third shift at the pickle-factory in southern Alabama. They'd have seventeen kids, run out of money, and then Ashlee would be sold off to some sexually deviant Saudi Prince who'd make her do the truffle-shuffle for food. One can only hope.
Ashlee Simpson Looking for an Average Joe [NY Daily News]
Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie Fight Like Girls
Like something out of a bad Saved By The Bell episode, Nicole Richie is complaining to friends that Paris Hilton has been crank-calling her, according to a report in the new issue of In Touch Weekly. A friend says that
Nicole has been getting phony phone calls very late at night, practically every night, and she suspects the culprit is her ex-best friend. Nicole doesn't have proof, but she's almost sure it’s Paris.”
It's obvious these calls are having an effect on Richie - as you can see from the above picture, she's slowly turning into the Green Goblin. It's only a matter of time before she's riding around on a metal glider throwing miniature pumpkin bombs at the paparazzi.
Keanu Looking Dapper
It appears that things haven't been going too well for Keanu Reeves. The last couple Matrix movies were godawful, and then Constantine didn't really do anything. And now...well now he looks like this. Either he's shooting a new, helmet-themed movie or he has a twin brother with Down Syndrome. In either case, I'm curious to know what it is he's drinking. I don't think it's happy juice.
November 10, 2005
Bai Ling is not engaged to Nick Carter
Nick Carter called Ryan Seacrest's show on Tuesday to deny reports that he and Bai Ling are engaged, after Bai Ling was quoted as saying they were. A rep for Bai Ling has told a rep for Nick that she never said the things that were reported, though it seems pretty clear the woman is insane.
I appreciate that posing in Playboy and not starring in Star Wars is enough to make you think you're famous, but randomly telling reporters that you're enaged to celebrities qualifies you as an idiot. Looks like we have a challenger for the title of Biggest Attention Whore. I expect her next move will be to claim she slept with the President and start dressing only in used condoms. Well played, Bai. Well played.
Nick Carter Tells Ryan Seacrest - 'Hell No' [PR Newswire]
Stefani To Continue With No Doubt
I remember this one time me and the devil were walking along, enjoying the day, and he told me he'd give me one wish (He also mentioned something about 'soul forfeiting' and a bunch of other stuff but he was kinda rambling so I'm like "hey devil - just get to the goddamn point already"). So he asks me what my wish is and so I asked for world peace. And he's like "you sure you wouldn't rather have No Doubt get back together?" I wasn't sure, but then he promised to throw in a slushy. Anyway, it appears that my wish will eventually be granted, because it says here that Gwen Stefani plans to make another album with her band No Doubt once she gets more time on her hands.
That's the plan. I really didn't know that it would take so long to make Love Angel Music Baby. Then we ended up putting a greatest hits record out and that took up time. We went on tour. It was amazing. I never intended for this record to take so long, but I want to ride this wave while it's out there."
You can thank me later.
Stefani Still Has No Doubt Plans [ContactMusic]
The Superficial News
• Heath Ledger paid $3.5 million for his house in Boerum Hill and his new neighbors are sad that he and Michelle Williams ignore them. Understandable, since the affection of a duck is high on everyone's list of desires. [Page Six]
• Proving her maturity as a serious business woman, Paris Hilton has been prank calling Nicole Richie. At least she isn't leaving bags of flaming dog poo on her front porch. Or is she? [MSNBC]
• The man who threatened to kill Bubba Gump during a road-rage incident pleaded guilty to possessing a loaded gun. When questioned, he responded, "I want in on his profitable shrimp business!" He yelled it too. Like an angry man. [AP]
• Michael Jackson has fired his closest confidantes and shut down his website, moving one step closer to becoming the craziest of all the world's crazy recluse. [FOX 411]
Jessica Simpson Not So Charitable
Jessica Simpson is receiving a barrage of criticism from humanitarian agencies after she allegedly interrupted a 10-day charity visit to Kenya for a safari, despite insisting she was too ill to visit local children. A representative for the charity says, "Jessica got sick, like people do, and couldn't get out of bed." But the excuse has been challenged by a hotel insider who alleges, "Simpson was not ill, no doctor was called out to see her."
When I read the words 'Jessica Simpson' and 'safari', what immediately comes to mind are scenes from the classic Tarzan: King of the Bunghole (i.e. the greatest jungle-themed porno of all time). I just wonder how many times the safari guide had to tell her that there are no four-star hotels, that they aren't supposed to pet the lions, and that there are, in fact, no unicorns in Africa.
Alyson Hannigan Threatens Smokers
Alyson Hannigan is astoundingly cute. She makes me want to draw rainbows and dot my i's with hearts and write 'Mr. Alyson Hannigan' in big looping letters in my notebook. And now it appears my chances of winning her hand (or simply luring her into the back of my darkened van) have improved, because she doesn't like smokers. Her co-star Jason Segel was forced to give up smoking when Alyson refused to kiss him. He says,
She told me she would not do any romantic scenes with me as long as I was smoking. And that left me with no other option. So I quit the day we started working, and I haven't had a cigarette since."
Now I'm not sure if it's entirely 'legal' to murder this Jason Segel and wear his skin as a disguise so that Alysson kisses me. But I'd just point at his corpse and explain to the cops why I had to kill him and they'd be like "Yes, we completely understand. But this is Fred Savage." Then I'd run.
November 9, 2005
The Superficial News
• Michael Jackson is set to return to the United States, though his dad says he'll never live here again. Understandable, since we've got all these crazy laws against molesting children and owning monkeys. [Page Six]
• It's official: Lindsay Lohan and Jared Leto may or may not be getting married. [MSNBC]
• Halle Berry is trying or is already pregnant. Either that, or people have confused the lump on her foot as a sign of pregnancy. I know I've made the same mistake once or twice. Or twelve times. [R&M]
• People magazine has named Matthew McConaughey its "Sexiest Man Alive." Clearly they have no idea what "sexiest" or "alive" means, or else William Shatner would have been their number one pick. He's dreamy. [Page Six]
Stavros Niarchos crashes Paris Hilton's car
Paris Hilton was involved in a car accident early this morning when her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos crashed her Bentley GT into a truck. The unlaunched TMZ.com has sent out a press release saying:
TMZ.com captured video of Paris Hilton and her boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos involved in an accident outside L.A. hotspot Element early Wednesday morning around 2:30 a.m. Also in the car were Kimberly Stewart, Rod Stewart’s daughter, and Talan Torriero, star of MTV’s “Laguna Beach.”
The video shows Stavros in the driver seat of a Bentley hitting a truck, causing damage to the car. After a few seconds, the car speeds away, NARROWLY missing a bystander on the street. Soon after, TMZ cameras spot the car pulled over by the police, with all occupants standing outside the vehicle. At one point TMZ captures on the tape Talan telling police “I’m the only sober one, let’s just go.” TMZ.com also captures blowing a kiss to the cops as she says “We love the police.”There is no evidence on tape that the police ever conducted field sobriety tests on the driver.
I wish I had more to say about this but I don't. When a douche bag crashes his girlfriend's $200,000 car into a parked truck, words just aren't needed. Just sit back, relax, and realize that the world is a pretty wonderful place.
Fergie Considers Botox
There's a lot to be said for Black Eyed Peas singer Fergie. She's hot and sings well and pees all over herself when she drinks. And she insists that although she's never had cosmetic surgery, she'd now consider having Botox treatment to improve her sun ravaged skin.
I haven't had any surgery but I would maybe consider a nip and a tuck. I've been sun tanning forever and damaging my skin. I would be open to botox."
Some might say that years of staying up till 7am doing lines of coke and sexual calisthenics are as much to blame as the sun. Some might say I shouldn't have locked her in a tanning bed for three months when she laughed at my rendition of "More Than Words". But hell, here's some pics - judge for yourself.
Lindsay Lohan Marries For Revenge
Certain things have become part of my morning routine - waking up, brushing my teeth, stepping over the bodies of a dozen exhausted supermodels in mermaid costumes. I can now add 'reading about Lindsay Lohan' to that list, because much like STDs contracted on Brazilian porno shoots, she simply refuses to go away. She's now allegedly going to marry Jared Leto. According to 'a friend', Lohan’s eagerness to wed is not just because of her fondness for Leto — but also because she's angry at Paris Hilton.
She’s crazy about Jared. She says it would be great to run away, get married barefoot on the beach and shock everybody. She’s angry at Paris for hooking up with Mary-Kate Olsen’s ex, Stavros Niarchos. Catching a husband would be a poke in Paris’ eye.”
This story can't be real. People don't get married like this in real life. This is like some soap opera world. Next thing you know Paris will drug Jared so she can sleep with him and have his baby. The baby will then have some sort of learning disability and spend all day trying to feed the cat into the DVD player.
Stone Co-Writes Song for Katrina Victims
There are certain things a person can and cannot do. For example, I can run black ops missions with two hours sleep and a box of Crackerjacks, but I simply cannot kill more than three or four grizzlies with my bare hands. Unless I'm angry. Or the bears have no legs. Anyway, my point is that you gotta know your limits. Apparently Sharon Stone does not. The actress has taken a musical turn, co-writing a song to benefit victims of Hurricane Katrina. Stone worked with songwriters Denise Rich, Mark Feist and Damon Sharpe on "Come Together Now," which will be released as a CD single on Nov. 29.
Every time this song gets played and every time this song gets bought, we're building houses and we're saving these kids."
Now I fully applaud every effort to raise money for those in need. But if she really wanted to raise money, why doesn't she just do what she's best at - getting naked? Yeah ok, she's kinda old, but you can always just stick her in a wind tunnel or something. Come on, it's for charity.
November 8, 2005
Kate Moss no longer unemployed
Kate Moss is back at work after checking out of rehab. She spent two days in Ibiza last week for a photo shoot for Roberto Cavalli.
"Kate looks absolutely fantastic. She is confident and stylish and she works well with the Cavalli look. She is back working and doing what she does best and, like usual, she was really professional," Cavalli said.
I still don't understand why any agencies would have dropped Kate Moss over her cocaine use. Everybody already knows that supermodels do drugs and have eating disorders, and nobody really cares. That's actually part of the appeal of the whole supermodel world. If agencies start promoting this image of healthy young women who are naturally skinny and abstinent, then normal looking woman will probably all kill themselves. The only reason they haven't yet is because they think with drugs and starvation they can look like supermodels too. You take that away from them and you might as well just stab them in the face and call them "fatties." NSFW photos after the jump.
Cameron Diaz Criticizes Cosmetic Surgery
Cameron Diaz recently told a reporter that fat people should be rounded up and processed for food. That's actually not true at all, but it is a helluva lot more interesting than the blather you're about to hear. Are you ready? Good. Cameron Diaz is sickened by the number of women who resort to plastic surgery. The actress believes that real beauty comes from - you guessed it - the inside.
To me that's sick. I mean, I've broken my nose four times, but I wouldn't dream of getting it fixed because it's part of who I am. The sooner we accept that we're going to age and die, the richer a life we'll all have. Beauty comes from the inside, but that's not the message we're selling to young girls in society today. It's really dangerous. When I see people who've had plastic surgery, it's so unnerving. All I can see is the surgery; the person's vanished beneath it."
It always cracks me up when you hear about 'beauty on the inside' from a thin, tall, platinum-haired goddess. I mean, you never hear Rosie O'Donnell talking about beauty on the inside. You might hear her talk about eating Haley Joel Osment's weight in Big Macs, but inner beauty - nah. Beautiful girls like Cameron Diaz should stick to talking about what they know best - pillow fights and giggling and crazy saran-wrap sex with Superficial writers.
The Superficial News
• Kate Hudson is taking legal action over photos used to imply she has an eating disorder. I'm not actually familiar with the photos, but how do you imply somebody has an eating disorder short of catching them bent over a toilet with a couple fingers down their throat? The only other way is to show them not eating. Which, uh, isn't very damning evidence. [AP]
• Tom Cruise has hired a Hollywood insider to replace his sister as his publicist. Strange, because his public image has been so awesome lately. I guess he felt it was time to move on from "crazy homosexual who kidnaps celebrities." [AP]
• OK! magazine has caved under pressure from Britney Spears to change an article that portrays Kevin Federline as a bad husband and father. They've decided, instead, to focus on his awesome facial hair and skills as a talented musician. [Lowdown]
• Seven things Jennifer Aniston would rather talk about than the men in or out of her life. Isn't it convenient that Brad Pitt is left off the list? Convenient indeed. [Newsweek]
Madonna slams Hilton for Unreligionness
Madonna, worldwide paragon of morality and spiritual enlightenment (you might remember her from all those naked lesbian photos a decade or so ago), slammed socialite Paris Hilton for using Kabbalah as a fashion accessory.
People like Paris Hilton come into a centre and buy a book or a band and that's it for them. It doesn't mean they study it. It's very hard to be a believer. I'm very serious about it."
Well yes, I imagine it is very hard to be a believer. Most of us don't have $50 to blow on a handful of tapwater, or $30 for strings generally used by the non-enlightened masses to wrap up bags of half-eaten Fritos. To put it plainly, most of us don't waste our time and money on crap. I could run around Hollywood wearing purple stilletos and a moose helmet, call myself the Minister of Gingerbread, and still probably pull in $3 million a week from these idiots.
Madonna Slams Hilton's Kabbalah Dabbling [YahooNews UK]
Joaquin Phoenix Scared of Frogs, Sanity
Joaquin Phoenix "is on the verge of a nervous breakdown," says one insider. During an interview with the Associated Press, Phoenix asked a reporter:
Do I have a large frog in my hair? . . . Something's crawling out of my scalp." Despite reassurances from the reporter, the actor replied, "No, but I feel it. I'm not worried about the looks. I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten . . . What did you ask me?"
Ahh, nothing better than a 'celebrity slowly goes nuts' story. In all fairness, if people were calling me Commodus all the time I'd probably wig out too. We 'arty' types are a little more sensitive, you must understand. So when Joaquin says "there are frogs in my hair" it could mean "I have dandruff" or it could mean "there actually is a frog in my hair, look how shiny and sparkly!" or maybe "If Reese doesn't stop leaving panties on my dresser I swear I'm going gay." So give him a break.
Frog Fright Unnerves Joaquin [NY Post]
November 7, 2005
Paris Hilton Suffered Horrible Childhood
In a story sure to draw a single, lonely tear from us all, Paris Hilton's aunt Kyle Richards has revealed how the pampered socialite was bullied as a child.
There was jealousy and being picked on and I had to go down there a few times and straighten some people out because she was definitely picked on," she said on an A&E biography. "People would hear the last name and she was always a beautiful girl and that doesn't make for making a lot of friends with girls. She always had this attitude that she didn't care what people thought but she definitely did."
Some say that the less self-esteem a girl has growing up, the bigger the tramp she'll be when she grows up. If that is true, then Paris must have the self-esteem of a stripper with testicles. Seriously, I think it's only a matter of time before she's just constantly naked. And while I fully endorse this, this is one of those trends that could end very badly. It's all fun and games when Paris is naked, not so much when it's that fat guy from Lost.
Thanks to Jo for the tip.
Sheridan Sues Pants off Porn Pic Providers
Apparently tired of seeing her face superimposed onto the bodies of girls much younger and orders of magnitude more attractive, Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan is preparing to sue internet sites publishing fake porn pictures of her. She told Maxim magazine that
You can't trust the internet. Someone told me there was this website with my head on other people's naked bodies doing lewd, crude, and totally unacceptable things. I guess at one point I've got to get around to suing them. But the real drag of it was that my body is much better than their bodies... My God, at least do me justice."
You'd think she'd be flattered. There can't be that many 85-year-olds that people even want to see naked, let alone make fake pics of. And I'm sorry, but anyone who's dated Charles in Charge really shouldn't be allowed to talk. Ever. But if you really want to show how good you look, Nicollette, you're more than welcome to come over to my place. I promise I won't make you wear the bag this time. But I can't promise I won't call you Grammy.
Sheridan Plans Action Over Porn Pics [Yahoo! News UK]
Feel Bad for Jennifer Love Hewitt
I must be drunk, because here's a Jennifer Love Hewitt story dated after 1997. Apparently she had to push her Mini Cooper down the street in Los Angeles after a gas station attendant pocketed her gas money and didn't fill her up. She explains,
I was on a very important conference call and I was in a dress so I thought, 'I'll let someone else put the gas in the car today.' I never do that. I gave him $40 and I drove away. It never dawned on me to check he'd actually put the gas in the car. He pocketed my $40, never put gas in the car and I get to Robertson, the one street filled with paparazzi and I'm like, 'Oh, it's not going... This is not funny.' I had to get out and I started pushing my Mini Cooper down the street."
You know, for all the good things that happen to celebrities, it's only fair that the bad things be to scale. Ok, so she got screwed out of $40 and ran out of gas - this leaves her only about $50 million richer than the rest of us. If she really wanted my sympathy the thief should have not only stolen $40, he should have sprayed gas over the car, set it on fire, grabbed Jennifer and sawed off three of her toes, taken pictures, and started up a website called JenniferTwoToes.com. Otherwise don't even bother.
