October 28, 2005
Lauren Hutton poses nude, teaches us a thing or two
Lauren Hutton, who has the second hottest 62 year-old breasts in the biz, has announced that she'll be posing nude for Big magazine. She urges women of all ages "not to listen to a 2,000-year-old patriarchal society."
Hutton is also known for her adventurous spirit, having wrestled alligators, traversed the Arctic in a dog sled and spent time with African tribesman. But one adventure in 2000 resulted in a brush with death. Hutton was riding her motorcycle with actors Dennis Hopper, Jeremy Irons and others when her bike hit some rubble on a bend while she was traveling at 100 mph. Hutton was thrown 20 feet in the air before landing face-down almost 200 feet away from the bike.
Yeah, I've been talking to the other guys in the patriarchy, and we've decided to go ahead and let Lauren Hutton pose nude. Mostly because she's more man than any of us will ever be. Frankly, she makes us look like an I Love Lucy convention. We'd rather see nudie pictures of someone nubile and sexy - preferably named Jessica, last name doesn't matter - but we're afraid that if we try to stop Hutton, she'll bust through our wall with a chain gang and beat us to death with her orthopedic motorcycle seat. In fact, we're not even going to risk it. Tell Ethel we'll be hiding in our bongo drums if she needs us.
Kate Moss On The Loose
British supermodel Kate Moss, recently caught snorting enough cocaine to fill Rosie O'Donnell's panties, has left a drug rehabilitation center, her agent said on Thursday. "Kate is in excellent spirits and looking forward to getting back to work. She would like to thank everyone for their messages of support as they have played a major part in helping her," the spokesperson said.
I give it three weeks. If I know my supermodels (and according to the half-dozen or so draped across my bed in a jenga of crack-glazed longing, I certainly do), 'rehabilitation' is just one of those words that have no meaning, like 'sobriety' or 'god' or 'non-edible underwear'. Soon she'll be back to normal. And by 'back to normal' I mean 'back to screwing the pizza boy for blow'.
Kevin Federline Not A Juke Box Hero
In what seems the latest chapter in Kevin Federline's bizarre quest for humiliation, the stubbly yin to Britney's yang recently brought home some music he’d recorded. According to In Touch Weekly, he played it for Spears, and was “greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed. She said his debut CD might sell ‘a hundred, maybe a thousand’ copies if he was lucky."
What makes this even funnier is that this musical critique is coming from Britney Spears. This is like having Richard Simmons call you gay. And of course Kevin can say nothing, because without her he'd be working the Naughty Boys' All Male Revue within two months. He'll just have to stumble off to his 'studio' (the one with '2 Fast 2 Furious' posters all over the walls), and continue to work on that hip-hop remix of Stairway To Heaven.
Angelina Jolie Enlisting Conscripts
Like a really hot kid in a third-world candy store, Angelina Jolie is set to people the earth with even more adopted offspring. "I'm planning on it," Jolie told People Magazine at the first annual Worldwide Orphans Foundation benefit Oct. 24 in Manhattan. "Most of the night I just thought about how quickly I want to adopt again. It's a very special thing. There's something about making a choice, waking up and traveling somewhere and finding your family."
It's now quite clear what’s happening here. When not busy stealing famous husbands, practicing self-mutilation or coaxing college coeds into sexual experimentation, the woman is creating her own pan-nationalist militia. Will this militia overthrow the government? Will they carpet-bomb American cities with unopened copies of Tomb Raider 2? I have no idea. But I do know that if you live in Africa, and you have a small child, please chain that child to the donkey before you go to sleep. You don't want him/her to go 'missing'.
Music producer Phil Spector is a muppet/murderer
Alright, Phil Spector, I'll believe you when you say you didn't kill that actress. Even after her body was found in your house, and you told police that you "didn't mean to shoot her. It was an accident." But I'll be damned if I'm going to sit here and listen to you say that isn't Will Arnett's hand up your ass. I'm not a child, Phil. I know Hollywood. And I've had my hand up enough producers' asses to know tha-- puppets! I meant puppets! Damnit. I've made a huge mistake.
VIDEO: Bill Gates might be blind
I'm not sure where this clip is from, but for some reason Bill Gates decides to forget about his sense of sight and walk straight into a camera. You'd think that with a few billion dollars he'd be able to afford a decent pair of glasses. Or maybe that's just what billionaires do for kicks. They walk into poor people's cameras and then pretend nothing happened. I bet afterwards he threw money at the guy and said, "I own you now! I'm buying you! I'm Bill Gates! I rule the world! The entire world! I like to shout!"
Registration problems
I've gotten about six bazillion emails regarding people having registration problems with the forums and haven't responded to a single one. Before you write another one telling me how lazy I am, try to imagine opening up your email client and seeing six bazillion emails saying "I haven't gotten my registration email!" It scares you. Scares you so bad you crawl into bed and start weeping like a little girl. Well I've finally gotten the courage to start attacking the problem, so if you're having difficulty registering, send an email to forums@thesuperficial.com and include your username and email address. I'll try to get your accounts working as soon as I can, but considering there are six bazillion to go through, it may take some time.
Six bazillion! I'm not even making that number up!
October 27, 2005
Eva Longoria To Do Texas Two-Step
Eva Longoria, the hottest woman not chained to the radiator in my closet, is planning to move back to her native Texas when her show Desperate Housewives comes to an end.
I want to move back to Texas as soon as I'm done with the show, whenever that is. You know, I'm never followed by paparazzi in San Antonio. I'm never bothered with people in the trees trying to get a picture of me in my kitchen in San Antonio."
This sounds like a challenge to me. It sounds like she wants someone to get a picture of her in that kitchen in San Antonio. And you know who that someone is? Me. I bet she feels guilty about that whole ‘restraining order’ incident. Look, how was I supposed to know her dog was allergic to tear gas? Or that the gas would accidentally set her basement on fire? Or that her grandma lived in the basement? I mean, come on. Get over it already.
Kirsten Dunst - Lesbian?
Kirsten Dunst, whose curiously-shaped breasts and waxy play-doh face are slowly making me question my own sexuality, now has a same-sex crush of her own. The 23-year-old Spiderman star revealed she admires Patricia Arquette's sexy curves and self confidence.
I have a girl crush on her. She's a real woman - she's not anorexic or perfectly tanned. She's not trying to be anything but what she is, and that's the most sexy thing."
Having scared off most of the men in the country, I suppose it was only a matter of time before Kirsten Dunst went Chasing Amy on us. And, besides that, is being what you are really ‘the most sexy thing’? Because I always thought the most sexy thing was me, naked, singing “I’m a Slave For You” while covered in butter. But hey, that’s just me.
Natalie Portman High
Got a few hundred dollars burning a hole in your pocket? I know I know, hookers aren't free, but you might also consider blowing your cash on Natalie Portman's High School Yearbook. Among other things, the 1999 Syosset H.S. yearbook includes Natalie's 'Senior Superlative' where she was voted "Most likely to appear on Jeopardy!"
You know, considering how cruel high schoolers can be, that's actually not too bad. In my my senior yearbook I was voted "Most likely to masturbate to Sesame Street." I tell you what though, that was the last time I left the webcam on in the living room. That was also the last time I ran around the house wearing my sequined man-thong. Okay, next to last.
Mariacarla Boscono is the new Kate Moss
Givenchy model, Mariacarla Boscono, has become the first to pick up one of the contracts Kate Moss lost when she was videotaped neck deep in the blow. Stella McCartney chose the model to replace Moss in the designer's new H&M collection, but to avoid looking like she stabbed Moss - her personal friend - in the back, McCartney has ditched her print advertising campaign.
If I were Kate Moss, I'd still be pissed. Not because she was replaced, but because she was replaced by one of those "uniquely" unsexy models that looks like they were pulled out of a Steven Spielberg sci-fi flick. And sure, Kate Moss was a little fetus-faced, but at least she didn't look like she was going to crawl out of the television and try to attack Naomi Watts.
H&M's answer to Kate [This is London]
Kelly Osbourne wants to be Kylie Minogue
Kelly Osbourne is apparently looking to revive her singing career by aiming to be the next Kylie Minogue. Although the most logical way to do this would be to eat Kylie and then become her, Kelly has gone against her instincts and prompted to simply copy Kylie's electro pop sound and sexual innuendos.
She says, "I have learned lots about performance by watching old videos of Kylie." And she intends to rival Minogue's status as the most perfect bottom in pop, with raunchy sex-themed videos. She adds, "Sex really does sell, so I'll be doing loads of that."
No you won't. Because what Kylie sells is pure, delicious sex, and you'd pretty much be selling amorphous thrashing. Why don't you try to emulate someone more your league? Like Jann Arden or the Michelin Man? Then you could sell tires! You'd be good at that, hoss.
Kelly Osbourne 'I Could Be The Next Kylie' [Female First]
The Superficial News
• Nicole Kidman is apparently jealous of Katie Holmes' pregnancy, sparking rumors that she still has "feelings" for Tom Cruise. But unless those feelings consist mostly of wanting to slap him across the face and spit in his ear, those reports might as well be gibberish because they make no sense to me. [Tonight]
• Rapper DMX faces up to 60 days in prison after pleading guilty to violating the conditions of his release following a car crash last year at JFK International Airport, where he smashed his SUV into an airport gate while high on Valium. That's a pretty sissy crime if you ask me. It's the kind of thing my senile grandmother would do, and even she'd add that extra little flair of a flashing turn signal. And last I checked, my grandmother had very little cred in the hip hop community. Her last album didn't do so well either. Too much swearing. [AP]
• Nicollette Sheridan (the slutty one on Desperate Housewives) has called off her engagement with Swedish actor Niklas Soderblom. No word yet on her seven other engagements. Get it? Because she's a big old slut. Also, Teri Hatcher is pure and strong and everything that's good and not slutty in the world. This message brought to you by ABC. [People]
• Janet Jackson has decided to be old-fashioned and have her publicist deny reports that she has an 18-year-old daughter. This surprisingly calm and rational objection either means that she actually has nothing to hide, or she ran out of nipples to distract us with. I would normally say the latter, but Janet Jackson always has a nipple up her sleeve. [Access Hollywood]
October 26, 2005
Michael Jackson's Hidden Treasures
In the interest of avoiding further legal action, Michael Jackson has returned a variety of items worth close to $130,000 to the Los Angeles-based Mayfair Gallery. The Mayfair sued Jackson last November, claiming that the popstar failed to pay for items including: a pair of 13-branch malachite candelabras priced at $45,000; a Louis XVI-style clock to the tune of $30,000; and a pair of lapis tables "with bronze woman" for a bargain $23,000.
What this story doesn’t tell you is all the stuff Michael didn’t return. What about the “erotic nude” photos of Marlon Brando? The anatomically-correct Macaulay Culkin blow-up doll? The set of bowling pins made entirely of plasticine midgets? I don’t think we’ve even scratched the surface here.
Michael’s Many Happy Returns [EOnline]
Paris Hilton has sex in porta-potty
Paris Hilton apparently attended a Hollywood party with Mary-Kate's ex-boyfriend, another Greek shipping heir, Stravor Niarchos. The two made out like it was 1999, before retiring to a portable john to finish up, which I suppose Niarchos would find kinky since his last girlfriend had never used her digestive system long enough to step foot in a bathroom.
Now, for a regular person, this might be a little gross and wrong, but it's Paris Hilton. So I am neither shocked nor appalled. In fact, she could crawl out of a circus elephant's ass, sweaty and naked, hand in hand with Tom Arnold, and it really wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't even tell the children at the circus to avert their eyes. By this point, Paris Hilton being disgusting is just one of those wonders of nature, like when a caterpillar turns into a rabid vagina that eats your face.
Paris Hilton's loo sex [Female First]
Nicolas Cage explains his madness
Nicolas Cage says he decided to call his baby son Kal-El because it's "exotic and American" and has a "magical ring" to it.
"Alice and I wanted to have a name that was exotic and American and which stood for something good, because our son is exotic and he's American and we both think he's good. But having said that, I always liked the sound of the name. It has kind of a magical ring to it: Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!"
There's crazy and then there's crazy and then there's Nicolas Cage thinking "Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam" is a good excuse to name his son after Superman. I don't know what's going on in Nicolas' brain, but having your son's name sound good in a crazy magical phrase you threw together is a pretty bad excuse to ruin his life.
Paris Hilton and Tom Sizemore have met
Ever since Tom Sizemore claimed in his homemade sex tape, Tom Sizemore’s Sex Scandal, that he and Paris Hilton had sex when she seduced him in his home gym after a house party, Hilton has vehemently denied ever meeting the actor, let alone getting together with him to reenact a scene from the worst Red Shoe Diaries episode ever. But the distributor of the DVD, Vivid Video, has called Hilton's bluff and released a photo of the two, which they claim was taken at the party in question. Although it doesn't prove they slept together, it does prove that they can coexist in the same universe, and that's really all the proof I need to know God is dead and that he never really loved us.
There's a higher resolution photo after the jump, but I'd advise you not to click it. Because after I looked into Paris Hilton and Tom Sizemore's eyes at once, I passed out and woke up naked in a dumpster in Pittsburgh. And I'm not entirely certain, but I'm pretty sure that now my soul has herpes.
October 25, 2005
The Beckhams think crazy is the new black
The Sun is speculating that Tom Cruise has converted Victoria and David Beckham to Scientology after Victoria was spotted reading a Scientology "guide to self-healing." Katie Holmes apparently recommended the book to her after learning that Victoria's son had taken ill. Except everyone knows that Victoria Beckham can't read. And last year, the Beckhams pulled a similar stunt when they wore Kabbalah's red string bracelets in an ill-conceived attempt to be trendy. So it's not quite clear whether Victoria was reading the book in public out of urgency or because she thinks it'll make people hate her just a little less.
Because... Scientology is trendy now? She might as well walk around in an orange jumpsuit and a fake hobo beard and call it Unabomber Chic. Or maybe wear belts made of dead women's nipples for that hip-and-happening Ed Gein look I've been hearing so much about. I'm not saying that all Scientologists are dangerous psychopaths, I'm just saying I haven't seen much of Katie Holmes' nipples lately.
Is Posh joining crazy cult? [The Sun]
Kirsten Dunst likes being ugly
Despite her mom's constant nagging to straighten her front teeth, Kirsten Dunst refuses to fix them because she thinks they're sexy and make her special, saying, "That's one of the things I like about me. Messed-up teeth are so sexy."
I think we finally have an explanation for why Kirsten Dunst is so physically unappealing. Instead of taking cues from society and trying to actually improve herself, she's embraced her worst features and has convinced herself that they're actually sexy. I'm all for loving who you are, but you shouldn't delude yourself into thinking you're sexy when men would actually prefer to drive a wooden stake through your heart. Having messed up teeth is fine, but try to accept the fact that it's also horribly unattractive. And, in certain cases, may result in your murder.
Tim Robbins is a terrible bartender
Tim Robbins was seen pouring drinks at Back Room on Norfolk Street the other night and was reportedly doing a terrible job.
Robbins, who is said to own a piece of the joint, was serving cocktails in teacups and saucers and could barely keep up with the thirsty throngs. "There was a huge line to get drinks from him," our witness e-mails us. "He'd make some drinks, then he'd go outside and have a smoke. Then he'd come back in and hang out in the service pass." Robbins' dark mood didn't seem to help matters: When one patron asked if he was having a "good night," the cranky thesp shot back, "No."
Then again, Tim Robbins was in Shawshank Redemption so that gives him the right to do pretty much anything he wants and still be okay in my book. He could pee in a pot and start serving it as warm tea and I'd just give him a pat on the back and say, "That's some mighty fine looking tea, Tim. Mighty fine indeed."
SUB-PAR BARMAN [NY Post]
Celine Dion wants to grow another child
Celine Dion, the source of almost all of Canada's shame before Avril Lavigne and Nickelback came around, has told a French magazine that once her contract with Caesar's Palace ends, she plans to have a second child through in vitro fertilization. Celine insisted that time is of the essence since she's approaching 40 years old and her husband is approaching whatever age it is where you spontaneously turn to dust in the slightest breeze. The couple plans to use an embryo that was left from the treatment that yielded their first child.
Wow, even Gwynnie and Britney are subtler with exploiting their children than Celine Dion is. With the 21 months notice and giving specific information as to when, where, and how she's going to conceive, it's obvious that she's just winding up to release yet another album full of songs about her damned baby, this time brought to you by Louis' Turkey Basters and Cup-o-Soup: Now With 30% More Fetus. I'd call it shameless, but I'm pretty sure that for French-Canadians "shameless" roughly translates to "crafty like a fox!"
October 24, 2005
Janet Jackon has a secret daughter
On Friday, Janet Jackson's former brother-in-law, Young DeBarge, confirmed years-old suspicions that Janet Jackson has a "secret" daughter. DeBarge's brother James was married to Jackson for three months in the 1980s, when Janet was only 18 years old, and their marriage was annulled within a year. Afterwards, "Renee" was born and promptly sent to live in shame with Rebbie Jackson, and the now 18-year-old is apparently despondent about her mother's refusal to acknowledge her.
You know, I understand that all a child wants is to be loved and acknowledged by her family, but does this girl realize who her family is? Frankly, she's better off living with the Coneheads. Sure they may have cones for heads, but at least they have human-looking noses. And say what you will about cold-hearted aliens, but they would never hide you away in a basement and treat you like some sort of animal. Or LaToya. Because nobody should have to live like LaToya. Cone head or no cone head.
JANET HAD SECRET LOVE KID: EX-KIN [NY Post]
Gwyneth Paltrow is pregnant. Maybe.
Gwyneth Paltrow is rumored to be pregnant with her second child after she was spotted over the weekend wearing a coat and covering her stomach with a handbag as she walked near her $3.5 million London home. Her spokesman refused to confirm the rumors, saying: "We are not confirming anything." Gwyneth's mother also dropped a hint her daughter is expecting. While attending an awards ceremony in Los Angeles, she was asked whether she was looking forward to becoming a grandmother again and replied, "Yes, I am. Well, I think so. Oh well I have not checked lately - but I am a very happy grandmother of one."
I don't really care if Gwyneth is actually pregnant or not, as long as she maintains the fruit theme she has going on and names her next child Banana. It's not as peppy as Apple, but I've never met a person named Banana and damnit, I want to. Plus if it's a boy then I could make some weird penis reference like "Hey, your name is Banana? Does that mean you have a penis?!" And then I'd laugh like a madman and kick him in the nuts because he's Gwyneth Paltrow's kid.
*Update: Unless Gwyneth Paltrow going braless in a see through dress at the Proof premiere is somehow related to her pregnancy, these pictures have nothing to do with anything. That's just the way I roll, yo.
Cam'ron gets shot
Rapper Cam'ron was shot and wounded early Sunday morning during a carjacking that went wrong, and was treated at Howard University Hospital. According to his manager, Big Joe, he was stopped at a traffic light around midnight when a man attempted to steal his Lamborghini. When Cam'ron refused to give up the car and tried to drive away, the gunman fired a single shot which went through both of Cam'ron's arms.
"People are foolish if they think I'm going to lose my head and give up anything to anyone just because someone threatens me," Cam'ron said in a statement. "I'm doing OK. It takes more than a botched carjacking to keep me down."
I'm curious as to how the carjacker could be so stupid, though. When a Lamborghini drives by, pretty much everybody within a 100 meter radius is staring at it, so what kind of genius decides that that's the time to make their move and try to steal the damn thing? Maybe these idiots should aim a little lower and go for the Honda Civics parked in an alleyway, leaving the celebrity Lamborghinis to more capable carjackers. Like ninjas. Or really strong monkeys with swords.
Ashlee Simpson's dad is obviously confused
Any minute now, Joe Simpson is going to make eye contact with Ashlee and realize which daughter's rack he's been ogling. And when he does? He's going to be really skeeved.
Britney can exploit her own child, thank you
Britney Spears is threatening to sue anyone on the Internet who publishes photos of her and her new son, which she claims were stolen from a private photo shoot. To be honest, I don't understand how the obsession with seeing Britney Spears' baby could be so strong that people would commit crimes in order to see blurry thumbnail-sized pictures of it. All newborns look the same anyway. Just google "Britney Spears," "Mr. Magoo," "lactating nipple," and piece together whatever you find. Or Britney could put the whole subject to rest and release pictures of herself standing next to a baby. Any baby. Hell, pepper spray Dakota Fanning in the eyes, slap a blue bib on her, and I wouldn't be the wiser. Then again, maybe Dakota Fanning is just really good at playing retarded people's children.
