May 21, 2005
Billy Zane wants to be President
My brain and it’s powerful Aristotelian logic can't even begin to wrap itself around the crazy world that would elect Billy Zane President, but once again my penis proves who's boss and endorsees this since it would mean Kelly Brook would be First Lady. Leading to an unprecedented amount of masturbating at government press conferences. Unless you count the 70’s style orgies that break out every time Secretary of Transportation and of My Heart Norman Mineta steps behind a podium. Man, that guy is dreamy!
And for no reason whatsoever, some nekkid stuff after the jump.
May 20, 2005
Nobody watches Britney Spears 'Chaotic'
The only rewarding part of seeing drunk hillbillies stumble into undeserved wealth is that they think millions of dollars just kinda shows up when you wish upon a rainbow. Based on the Economics degree I don’t have, that’s not how it works at all. Two years ago, her anus was every 15 year old boys secret playground and the cash just magically piled up. Now she’s a trampy drunken lump and it’s all about to go away. And she has no idea. It’s like watching someone read a paper as they walk down the street with their nuts perfectly aligned with that parking meter that aint movin. The latest in the long list of obvious signs that the end is near comes from the just released ratings of her reality show Chaotic. Reality TV World has the story:
"…the show's one-hour premiere proved to be a largely buzzless bust for the network, with its Tuesday, May 17 9-10PM ET/PT broadcast averaging only 3.66 million viewers, a 1.9/5 rating/share in the Adults 18-49 demographic, and a 2.7/7 rating/share in Adults 18-34."
There’s a very funny and brilliantly scathing review of the show here. And don’t punch your monitor after looking at these Ferrari pictures. It's just another hundred grand that's never coming back. And since the pregnant woman doesn’t have a seat belt on, with any luck some kind of criminal charges are on their way.
Avril Lavigne is drunk
According to the unbelievably great Star magazine, friends of Avril Lavigne have begun to worry after witnessing her endless drunken antics first hand:
“One source who has known the singer since her childhood … tells Star that she appears to be in a downward spiral. "Avril's drinking is getting worse and worse. She's always liked to party but recently all she wants to do is get drunk. And when she gets drunk she wants to fight and cause trouble. She's turning into a nightmare!"’
Avril is 5’3”, maybe a hundred pounds, so I don’t know how much trouble she could really stir up. One good punch should tuck her in for the night. My extensive study of drunk suburban white girls has taught me that they’re unlikely to morph into a bionic fighting tiger and extremely likely to curl up on the curb and vomit. So the only trouble would be for the curb. And since I tripped on a curb the other night and then fell down in a comedic way, I have no problem seeing those smart-asses taken down a peg.
'War of the Worlds' has a third trailer
Moviefone is exclusively hosting the last trailer for this summer's War of the Worlds, directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Cruise, and it looks pretty damn great. If you don’t know the basic story, Moviefone has a description:
"When (Cruise’s) small-town existence is shaken violently by the arrival of Martians bent on sending Earth into oblivion, he must come to the defense of his children, overcoming an even more potent enemy -- the demons that lurk within."
Actually, go ahead and ignore that description, because it's pretty damn dumb. I've been known to masturbate at inappropriate times, but never so hard that my ‘demon within’ flipped over a ferry filled with cars or incinerated an overpass. And I’ve really had at myself a few times. Like that quiet time in my bedroom. Except replace the word “quiet” with “drunk” and “bedroom” with “Taco Bell drive-thru”. It was such a buzz-kill when that cock-blocker behind the counter knocked on my window and said, “Sir … you can’t do that here.” That’s not how my fantasy went at all.
May 19, 2005
Jennifer Lopez is classy and gorgeous
J.Lo’s charming contempt for the parents who paid for their 12 year old girls to make up the audience at Wango Tango is obviously delightful, but it doesn’t quite explain the rest of this outfit. Or why she’s sweatin like an Alabama mule. And there’s a homeless woman down the street from me who has an artificial eye that’s actually just a ping-pong ball that she drew on with a sharpie, and I’ve seen her eat a cigarette off the ground and chase a cat - probably for dinner - but I’ve never seen her go out with her hair looking as bad as that mystery on top of J.Los head. Never hire a beaver as a hairstylist, I don't care how charming he is during the interview.
The Superficial Downtime
Yes...the past 48 hours have been a pretty huge mess. If the site hasn't been loading for you that's because we've switched over to a brand new server. I'm not sure what happened, but a combination of terribly unsexy events brought the site to a stand still. This new server should make sure none of that crap ever happens again though. And sorry for the lack of updates. The server switch made it so the site couldn't be accessed or updated. Trust me, it was more painful for us than it was for you. But mostly because weird bald men kept poking us in the stomach with sharp objects all day. They were mean!
David Hasselhoff is still working
Movietab and others are reporting that a David Hasselhoff led Knight Rider movie is on the fast track to begin production in the next 6 months, about the same time that a new Baywatch movie will begin, produced by … umm … wait … either the acid just kicked in or this says Steven Spielberg. I don’t see any panda bears playing guitar in my room right now, so I’ll just proceed as if I understand why Speilberg would stoop this low. I’m no genius, clearly - I skate through life mostly cause I’m pretty like a girl - but I really don’t understand what madman is still letting Hasselhoff make movies, much less ones based on a TV show with a condescending talking car and another where lifeguards would routinely foil murderous gun runners and rescue Bigfoot from poachers. Lifeguards. I know he’s a big deal in Germany, but let’s be honest, the Germans are pretty fucked up. They’re a very experimental people. Like Dr. Mengele. And look how that worked out.
May 17, 2005
Kylie Minogue has breast cancer
Kylie Minogue announced today that she has breast cancer and will be postponing her current tour to seek treatment.
Minogue's management company that the 36-year-old's diagnosis was confirmed this week during a visit to the southern Australian city of Melbourne, her hometown.
I'd say more, but cancer is pretty much the worst thing in the world so I'm just hoping she deals with it okay, although breast cancer isn't usually that bad so I'm sure everything will be fine. At least she didn't get butt-cancer though, because that would've been a career ending disease. Ya know, because she has a nice butt. And uh, I like looking at it. *Cough* No, you're a pervert.
Thanks to Jonathan for the tip.
May 16, 2005
VIDEO: Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr. Commercial
So that Carl's Jr. commercial featuring Paris Hilton that was too pornographic for television is apparently not too pornographic for television after all. Proving that readers of The Superficial are the sexiest people in the world, Rob sent in an exclusive snippet to give everybody a taste of what all the hubbub is about. It honestly doesn't look that bad, though I'm basing my judgment entirely on a 5 second clip as opposed to the full 30 second commercial that will air tomorrow on Entertainment Tonight. And I'm sure the super-full 60 second version will feature Paris performing actual penetration with the car and maybe an anal scene with the hamburger. Video of Paris Hilton's Carl's Jr commercial after the jump.
The ad for the fast-food chain Carl's Jr. will feature Hilton's signature tag line, which doubles as a reference to the barbecue sauce and jalapenos-pepper laden sandwich — "that's hot."
Lindsay Lohan is hosting SNL
When I was 5, my dad - who is a pilot for Delta Airlines - came home from a trip late one Christmas Eve and told me and my brother that there wasn’t gonna be a Christmas this year because he hit Santa with his plane and he was dead. I mention this because Lindsay Lohan is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend and I’ll be forced to watch it and I was trying to think of something as tragically unfunny as SNL these days. NBC could probably save a lot of money and just show a live feed of a little kid with cancer in bed while he cries and hugs his puppy, who also has cancer. I bet no one would notice for at least an hour. Not because it would be any less funny than SNL, but because they normally have a band. And even though Tina Fey is the only good thing about that show (along with Amy Poehler) here are some embarrassing pictures of her that LJ sent in a little while back.
Tina is far right in both shots. One more picture and the backstory here.
Jessica Simpson is single
Star magazine is reporting that the marriage between Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey is finished. A friend of Nick says: "Nick and Jessica may be separated," adding, "I know their publicists and managers are trying to figure everything out in terms of their careers, but it seems like there's no more marriage." The unaccredited quote makes the story above reproach obviously, and no one loves Star more than me, but keep in mind that Star will say just about anything. The story feels real though, since Jessica is way too much for Nick Lachey. It’s embarrassing enough to be in a successful boy band, but being in a failed boy band is a lot like being an ‘attempted child molester’. You failed despite matching wits with a 10 year old and you should probably be ripped apart by horses just for trying.
Mischa Barton is single
Mischa Barton has apparently broken up with oil-fortune heir Brandon Davis. According to a story in Glamour UK, “It was Mischa who broke it off, for a few reasons: Brandon doesn't have any real money of his own; it's all his family's … She thought it was ridiculous that a man would have to go to his mom each month for money." Inheriting billions must be exhausting because Brandon Davis is kind of a fat lump who, unthinkably, dresses even worse than she does. And he’s kinda dorky looking. Not like me. I’m a hunk. That’s why I made it into that calendar dressed like a sexy fireman.
And here are some pictures of Mischa from last week in Cannes for any girl who thinks they want to come to Hollywood. Trust me, you don’t. Unless your a big fan of old spotted guys leering and pawing all over you.
Kenny Chesney has boobs
Most of my time is spent either smooching supermodels or dominating fight clubs, so I don’t really have time to confirm every source and verify every story that’s gets submitted to us. And here’s one of those stories now, about the new Mr. Renee Zellwegger and his promising future as a transvestite. The reader didn’t include a real name, but they seem pretty smart, as many of the words were spelled correctly, so I’ll go ahead and guarantee that the story after the jump is 100 percent true:
May 15, 2005
Natalie Portman still shaved
Natalie Portman looked confusingly hot in that first picture with her new shaved head, but these pictures don’t really back that up. Now she looks like some kind of sexy killing machine from the future. Based on my extensive knowledge of sexy killing machine from the future movies, I’m forced to report that the real Natalie Portman has been dead for some time. Happily, that improves my chance of having sex with her. There are no pictures of her arriving at this event riding on the back of some mutated super-lizard and whipping it to make it heel, but I think it’s pretty obvious that she did.
Dave Chapelle is talking
It seems something new breaks everyday about the Dave Chapelle meltdown. Friday the LA Times ran a story that said Chapelle quit his Comedy Central show and then went into hiding in South Africa, which makes a lot more sense than the original reports that the network put the show on hiatus and then Dave went nuts, even checking into a mental-health facility. Now, in an article due to hit newsstands tomorrow, Time Magazine is reporting that Dave is not in an institution at all, but staying with a friend in an attempt to find a quiet place. "Let me tell you the things I can do here which I can't at home: think, eat, sleep, laugh,” said Chapelle. “I'm an introspective dude. I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes. And I've been doing a lot of thinking here." Keep in mind that Dave lives on a farm in Ohio, so things must be bad if being a black guy in South Africa is more relaxing than rolling around on your piles of money in Ohio with only sheep and ducks to judge you. And before anyone in South Africa gets upset at my awesome level of nationalism, hey man, that’s just how I bring it.
