Jan 7 2005Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston Separate
Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have separated after 4 1/2 years of marriage. "We would like to announce that after seven years together we have decided to formally separate," they said. "For those who follow these sorts of things, we would like to explain that our separation is not the result of any of the speculation reported by the tabloid media. This decision is a result of much thoughtful consideration. We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another. We ask in advance for your kindness and sensitivity in the coming months." It's probably for the best that these two never had a child. Their combined genes would have created a beautiful monster the likes of which no human could resist. Hey, sort of like me!
Jan 7 2005Portia de Rossi Removes Tattoo
Portia de Rossi has reportedly made an appointment with a dermatologist to get rid of a little tattoo on her ring finger featuring the initials of her former lover. Portia dumped Francesca Gregorini for Ellen DeGeneres and now wants to get the "FG" inked on her ring finger permanently removed. Here's a little tip for all you people who feel the need to get somebody's name tattooed on you. Don't. Unless it's mine. In which case, tattoo it all over your face and genitals.
Jan 7 2005Anticlown Daily
You guys clearly haven't been paying enough attention to our sibling site Anticlown Daily. If it was possible for awesome and humor to have a baby, Anticlown Daily would probably be it. Plus, their ability to kill ninjas by being totally sweet is a force to be reckoned with.
Jan 7 2005Anna Kournikova Checks Yellow Bikini
I can only speculate as to why Anna Kournikova would be checking out her vagina in public, but it probably has to do with Enrique Iglesias' terribly unsanitary genitalia. I don't want to start any rumors, but I hear he has 13 STD's, never showers, and always walks pantless through the local landfill.
View Anna Kournikova Yellow Bikini Gallery
*Update: Here's a mirror with thumbnails.
Jan 7 2005Christina Milian Dip It Low Video Session Photoshoot
Christina Milian sure has some solid looking legs. They're not fat or anything they're just really thick and solid looking, like she could squat a truck or something. Now if only I knew why I'm talking about Christina Milian squatting a truck. Maybe it's because when I was young a truck murdered my best friend and I vowed that I would one day be able to squat it. And then kill it.
Jan 7 2005Kirsten Dunst and Zach Braff Hook Up
Spies reportedly spotted Kirsten Dunst with Zach Braff over the holidays on St. Bart's, despite Zach's supposed relationship with Mandy Moore. After hooking up at a yacht party, the two headed to a club where spies say Kirsten jumped on a table and danced for Braff. She then sat on his lap, they hugged and kissed, and later left together, showing up on the beach together the next day. Now can somebody explain to me why anybody in their right mind would cheat on Mandy Moore with Kirsten Dunst? That makes about as much sense as trading in a donut to eat human feces.
Jan 6 2005Heidi Klum Engaged To Seal
Heidi Klum and Seal got engaged just before Christmas during a ski vacation in Whistler, Canada. And in case you didn't know, Heidi has an eight-month-old daughter with Naomi Campbell's ex-boyfriend, Italian racing tycoon Flavio Briatore. They broke up before she was born, and Seal started dating Heidi while she was still pregnant. It's nice to know that deep down even German supermodels are still promiscuous whores.
Jan 6 2005Linsdsay Lohan Implants Removed
Good Plastic Surgery reports that Lindsay Lohan appears to have gotten her breast implants removed during a recent hospital stay for "exhaustion." Sounds good to me, considering exhaustion is the lamest excuse to stay in a hospital that I've ever heard. From now on whenever you hear about a celebrity getting treated for exhaustion, it's probably safe to assume that they're either touching up their plastic surgery or plotting to assassinate the President. Why assassinate the President you ask? Because they feel like it, that's why.
Linsdsay Lohan Implants Removed [Good Plastic Surgery]
Jan 6 2005Ashlee Simpson Booing Was SNL Based
In regards to Ashlee Simpson getting booed off stage at the Orange Bowl, representatives have come forward to say that they were "pleased with Ashlee's performance" but said that the booing was "just backlash" from the SNL mess-up in October of 2004. Wow really? I am shocked.
Jan 6 2005Carmen Electra Wants Baby
Carmen Electra is reportedly trying for a baby with her husband Dave Navarro. The former Baywatch babe, who married the rock guitarist in November of 2003, said "I can't wait to be pregnant - I always watch 'Birth Day' on the Discovery Channel. I have the perfect man. Now I want the perfect family." Sounds good, though I'd hardly consider a hairy makeup-wearing freak like Dave Navarro the perfect man. I don't want to be mean, but his genetic contribution is probably something their baby could do without.
*Update: I forgot to mention that Carmen Electra deserves some sort of Nobel Prize for developing her Strip Aerobics series. That's just plain genius.
Jan 5 2005Ashlee Simpson Booed Off Stage Video
In case you missed Ashlee Simpson being booed offstage at the FedEx Orange Bowl, here's a link to the video for all your laughing pleasure. If you listen closely, you can hear somebody yell out "You suck!" And if you listen even more closely, you can hear the sound of Ashlee Simpson's brain turning off as she busts out one lame dance move after another. Irish jigs and weird pumping actions? Last time I checked, acting like an ass didn't count as dancing.
Watch Ashlee Simpson Booed Off Stage Video [.wmv @ lipsynch.us]
Jan 5 2005Beyonce & Jay-Z Beach Vacation
I remember hearing Beyonce say before that she was a fat black woman just waiting to bust out and that she had to work extremely hard to maintain her figure. Well I guess whoever was in there decided to finally make an appearance, because Beyonce is looking mighty plump these days. Not that she's fat, she just has the waist and butt of a hippopotamus. A really fat hippopotamus. Oh, and I'm pretty sure Jay-Z should be sagging a little more. You're not officially cool until your pants are sitting completely below your crotch with your penis hanging out.
Jan 5 2005Britney Spears Mona Lisa Single MP3
Britney Spears' label, Jive Records, has confirmed that she's in the "very early stages" of a new album. There's no word yet on a release date, but Britney hopes to have it out before summer. She's already laid down a rough cut of a song called Mona Lisa and she's thinking about calling the album The Original Doll. Unfortunately, a sneak preview of Mona Lisa has been released and it sucks more balls than a ball-sucking donkey.
Jan 5 2005Jessica Alba White Bikini
I would have posted these pictures earlier but I think I passed out for a couple of hours after seeing them. I didn't examine the photos too closely for fear that I would suffer heart failure and die, but I'm fairly certain that there isn't a shred of cellulite on Jessica Alba's butt or thighs. I'm also fairly certain that I shouldn't be left alone in a room with these pictures for fear of what terrible things I might do to myself.
Jan 5 2005Jessica Simpson Stretches Legs
Jessica Simpson's mom Tina reportedly used to stretch her legs when she was young because she thought they were too short. Jessica says "My mom was so worried that because of my long body and dwarf legs, I would grow up looking strange. So, every night, before I went to bed, she would pull them and stretch them so they would be in proportion with the rest of my body." There's a joke to be made here regarding the size of Jessica Simpson's brain, but I'm too lazy to make it. Instead, I'll just call her stupid and fat. Ahh, being lazy is fun.
Jan 4 2005Britney Spears Wants To Be Forensic Scientist
Britney Spears is reportedly set to quit pop music - to become a forensic scientist. The sexy star has allegedly told friends she is considering swapping her singing career for student life and enrolling at university to study for a degree after being motivated by [the TV series CSI]. [source]
Please let this be true. Please!
Jan 4 2005Kevin Federline Bans Britney's Shopping
Kevin Federline has supposedly banned his wife Britney Spears from shopping until she clears out her already full closet to make room for more stuff. A questionable source says "He's told her that he doesn't mind if she dumps them, sells them or gives them away. He's just desperate for her to stop hoarding and buying more." I'm having my doubts about this story though, since I can't imagine Kevin Federline having the balls to put monetary restrictions on his sugar mama.
Jan 4 2005Eva Longoria Ashamed of Boyfriend
Eva Longoria and JC Chasez have been dating for eight months, but she recently told In Touch magazine that she's officially on the market and said "To be with the same person for the rest of your life just sounds so drab." To be fair though, I don't think any woman under the age of 14 would admit to dating JC Chasez. He was in NSync for crap's sake.
Jan 4 2005Kirsten Dunst Nipple Slip
I guess it would be impossible for me not to post the Kirsten Dunst nipple slip so here it is. My apologies beforehand, as seeing Kirsten Dunst's nipples is probably pretty low on your list of things to do. I think it's safe to say that she is officially the most disgusting celebrity on the planet. I could get past the whole troll face thing if she at least had an attractive body, but she's got the saggiest most disgusting breasts I've ever seen. And believe you me, I've seen a lot of breasts in my lifetime. Image after the jump. (nsfw)
Jan 4 2005Christina Aguilera UK Glamour Photoshoot
How is it that Christina Aguilera is able to make looking like a zombie seem glamorous, when most people can't even make glamorous seem glamorous. Actually I don't even care, I just can't get over how incredibly ugly Vanessa Carlton is. If I were to run into her at a party, I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch her in the face and then run for my life.
Jan 3 2005Ashley Olsen Takes Acting Lessons
According to Star magazine, Ashley Olsen has been taking acting classes while in New York attending NYU. The tabloid reports that she spends two days a week at the William Esper Studio on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, which teaches the Meisner Acting Technique, which focuses on “spontaneity and improvisation." I find it amusing that Ashley Olsen actually thinks of herself as an actress. It's like when six year old girls put on their mother's makeup and start parading around like they're an actual adult. It's kind of cute, but also really annoying.
Jan 3 2005Vanessa Carlton InStyle Outtakes
Whatever happened to Vanessa Carlton? I remember she came out with a single like four years ago but then I guess everybody realized how much she sucked and then she sort of just disappeared. To be fair though, it's hard to make it in the music industry when you look as ugly as Vanessa Carlton does. I think her and Kirsten Dunst need to have a head to head competition to determine once and for all who has the uglier face. They could stare at a group of highschool kids and whoever caused the most amount of people to vomit would be declared the winner. And in the very possible situation that every single person vomited for both of them, a tie would be declared and they could both share the title of ugliest human being on the planet.
Jan 3 2005Back With A Vengeance
Well I'm finally back from my sweet little vacation. I'd fill you in on the details, but I find that talking about sexual encounters with outrageously beautiful women gets really old really fast. Unfortunately, I don't have any such stories so I'll just pretend that nothing happened and continue with posting as usual.
